This is the 27th of august... James' second son is 21!!! we organised a suprise party for him...his family, friends , loved ones and beyond stood there, watching his siloutte through the window, with baithed breath we watched him smoke.. when he opened the door, he scarpered!!!!!!!

the party was a success... but here i am thinking what have i missed by being here when a very close friend also celebrated in tonbridge... balance is everything...

it makes me giggle to sit here and listen to the opinions of james' niece's... all the life and tribulations are of important stances in their own lives, but in the grand scale of things... they are trivial... there's a stranger amongst us tonight, who i feel is genuine, but is also intrigued... by lives being layed on a plate, literally...

they have just started the discussion of jame's kids... how they are so brave, they family acepts james... i feel like i have nothing to prove, i know its hard for thembut what about me... i try so hard to prove myself, but i feel they do noy have the intellect to understand must past there small world of rathnew and wicklow... for a country so advanced... it really is yards behind.

why do people talk about issues so close to the bone after a few drinks when tomorrow we will bury our heads in the sand... why do we all shout and none of us listen... if we listened to each wouldn't the world be a better place...

the time is now 04.48am... james and I are flying to the canaries in 3 hours... both pissed and raring to go... i'm sure I'll write about the holiday soon... right now i'm gonna go listen to druken talk about the female vagina!!!

xxx

It's been a while since i wrote on here so I'm just gonna write my thoughts down. Not sure I should be sharing my deepest thoughts with the WWW but hey ho... not really sure what else to do.

well since we have been back from travelling i have been whining to go again.. got a new job in a hotel in wicklow which has caused more agro than its worth. james feels as if i work too much and so does everyone around me. no-one seems to understand i just wanna be sucessful. I wanna be someone to be proud off. I feel like i need to be he provider, the person my ''step-kids'' can look up to. perhaps even help a few people with ptential on the way...

my social life has been completly whiped out and i have been missing my life in the uk like crazy... keep dreaming about it. old times, good times and bad... what do these dreams mean?? do they mean i should move back... but where would that leave James and me... life without him would in-fact be unbearable. I cant see him moving to the uk... He's a real home-boy. He's has his whole family and his kids here... but then the only people i have ever called family are in the uk... whats the answer?????

I have not made many ''real'' friends here... not like the ones i have back in the uk, but i think thats my own fault... I know im unwilling to open up, my true friends have been there through thick and thin and i would never want to lose tham or insult them with an ''irish replacement''... could and would never happen... but again, what is the answer...

i sometimes wonder what the meaning of life is... why are we here?? why do we cry?? why do we live at all if its not to be happy?? but what happens when the two worlds are so far apart how can we be complete... does one have to be left behind and the other pursued?? or will they ever come together to provide complete harmony??
what will happen when one day it's all over?? will my essence float away and think...''good job done, you made a difference'' or will it think ''what a crock of shit that was''??? after the black years of my younger life, i feel like i should be doing more, but there just aint enough hours in the day... why do i push myself so hard?? do i need to?

i sometimes think about my mum and siblings... and about how close they are. my mum is the most wonderful person in the world and we have always had a special bond... and always will... i do wish however that my siblings and i had a closer relationship... perhaps its because of my darkest years or the fact that i am gay... i will never know. perhaps its because i moved to the uk in a wake of family turmoil cause by yours truely... perhaps perhaps perhaps... I will never know.

I have always been proud of all my brothers, and would do anything fr them.. from chris to wayne... i love them dearly... why is that love not returned?? why do i long for their approval?? why do i need it?

I often think about people who want to win the lottery... what do they think it will achieve?? material wealth is nothing in comparison to ''real love'' of many dimensions... and as the beatles said, money cant buy you love... so why do we pray our whole lives to a god no-one has ever seen, because we want to win the lottery??? i feel as if i have already won the lottery... superb mother, fantastic fiance and true friends i would kill or die for... aint that the jackpot of life???

I went to see an old collegue/friend today... she had a baby 5 months ago, what a beautiful child... my friend used to be the party animal of dublin city in good ways and bad... but there's something my visit today thought me... there's hope for us all and something as special as bareing your own child will change your life forever... thats a feeling i yearn for but will never experience... why was i born gay with a want for children... wouldn't it be selfish to bring a child into the a world that would frown upon him/her from birth... why cant the world be as open minded as me?? why can't i be a DAD...i th

Well as you all know, James and I are back in ireland and im back to work. Had a week off before starting a new job closer to home in wicklow. It's really nice to come home and get back to normal, but if any of you have a few thousand to spare and dont know what to do with it, send it my way cause I'm ready to go again!!!
Travelling has really opened my eyes to the world we live in. How some people have everything while others fight for a scrap of bread, or mourn their entire family's lost in natural disasters. I used to think life was hard sometimes, but now i realise im one of the lucky ones. Superb friends, an awesome Mum, food on my table and designer clothes on my back. I never go hungry and I have always plenty to drink!!

So I think the moral of the story is... When we think life is hard or a bit unfair, stop, and look around this world of ours. Then you will see life aint that bad at all... In fact we all have it quite easy. So if you get the chance to help someone a little less fortunate than yourself, grab that chance with both hands, because tomorrow what we have could all be gone and it will be us reaching out our hands asking for the help of others.

xxx