Bebo

Plans are afoot in Gaelic and Athletic circles to dissolve all senior hurling teams and abandon the sport for good following revelations that it is in fact a collaborationist activity that uses material provided by the Queen of England and her ilk.

According to the Tree Council of Ireland (whoever the f*** they are) hurleys are being manufactured from ash trees grown by Queen Elizabeth. Clad in the butcher’s apron the senior royal figure is believed to personally tend the trees, talking to them in the finest Queen’s English to help them grow and prosper. They are now used in preference to the less prevalent and highly oppressed Irish Ash.

Representatives of the British House of Windsor were unavailable for comment when Talking Balls sent a few of the lads round to the house to ask a few questions, but in response to a telephone call, one plumy voiced bollix said: “Hurling? One’s never even heard of it? Does the fox live when one’s finished?”

According the Tree Council of Ireland, more than sixty per cent of the ash used in making hurleys is imported because Irish ash is in such short supply, the majority of it having been burnt in Derry by the Continuity Burn the Ash Brigade from the Bellaghy, Ballinderry, Newbridge no go zone for hurling.

In a comment that would have well-known Rebel son Michael Collins - not the crap referee - the other one - spinning in his grave, father of the O’Connor twins Bernie commented: “I import all my ash from Europe, but I wouldn’t mind if it was the Queen’s as long as it would be good quality. Of course hurley makers would like to use native ash if you can get it.”

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G !)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)




Butterflies taste with their feet
(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too)



Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuc