If you think your fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the sex in the city girl's don't expect us to act like their male soap friends.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

Sometimes, We're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about topics such as football or motorsports.

Saturdays and Sundays = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work. Strong hints dont work. Really obvious hints don't work. JUST SAY IT.

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar - thats what its for.

Most guys own 2-3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

It is neither in your best interest nor outs to take the quiz together, no it doesn't matter which quiz.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; its genetic.

You can either tell us to so something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during the add breaks

ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.

It it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say 'nothing' we will act like nothings wrong. We know you're lying but it's just not worth the hassle.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Anto and Decco are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got
no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they
find themselves outside the bus depot. Anto has a brainwave and says to
Decco "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay
out here and look out for the Garda".

Decco duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while
Anto is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Anto sticks his head
around the door and sees Decco running from bus to bus to bus looking
very worried.

"What the bleedin' hell are you doing Decco, get a move on!" to which
Decco replies "I can! 't find a number 77A anywhere Anto" whereupon Anto,
holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Decco,steal a number 77 and we'll get off at d village and walk the rest of
the way"!!!