Staring out a window i decide to write my chain of thoughts down please bare with me I have alot to write , to most I appear insane that's a fact of life I'm different to them therefore i must be insane. Others say I'm a goth or an emo or even a vampire, some say I'm just morbid because of my interest with death, one person even went as far as to say i was ushering in demons from another plain to infect the world (now who's mad) but is that fair to say and what do they mean by these words? And the real question what am I really?

I certainly dont dress like you would perceive member of these groups to so it must be my actions but what then do we define as a goth based on actions? a liking of all things dark and mysterious and for a particular type of clothing even a type of music that's not a definition of a person not really, is it?

What then do we define as an emo based on actions? to these same people self harming would be proof of this but that's not really true is it not all people that self harm are emos and not all emos self harm so what is it that makes them say ooh your this again music may be used or tastes in other things?

And coming on from that how would you based on actions alone label someone a vampire? a liking for the taste of blood or to drink it maybe? that's funny really because most people suck there own blood when they wound themselves especially at a younger age so it must be the drinking of another's blood but if you were doing this how would they know unless you tell them or you do it in front of them which i really would not advise as people really do jump to conclusions maybe their ideas are wrong?

The point is our actions dont tell us or anyone who we really are not in that sense, not on a social level like that because actions of members of a social group vary along with ideology so our actions cant label us, just like our clothing cant. a wise man said judge a man by his actions not his appearance but people are prejudiced they see only what they expect to see if they think you are something all evidence will say that.

I think we are what we choose to be and we are all different all unique that's what makes us all special, we all have our role on this earth and in the end it is up to us to make it what we want it to be. We must all choose our path and stick to it with courage and conviction because we only live once, me personally I'm happy to let them call me what ever, i know in my heart what i truly am and that is all that matters. And now I'm going to tell you what i truly am well maybe

Love is a great thing, we all feel it its part of being human we love, sometimes we win sometimes we loose. There is something iv learnt over time that is that nothing is stronger than the feeling of love no pain can destroy it and no evil can break it, its there unwavering and unchanging, transcending time. Some say love ends with death, but death only destroys a relationship not the love. However on the flip side love can create the worst pain you will ever feel that will make you want to shrivel up and die when your tearing your heart out crying because that special person did this to you. Took everything they wanted and left you a lifeless shell, iv been there once, its not fun but its also not then end just like death is never the end.

Personally I am not afraid to die but I fear dieing alone, or in my sleep, when I die I want to be with those I love with my eyes open so that i may greet death with open arms as an old friend. It has to happen some time for all of us and its really quite a beautiful thing we should not be scared of it. And then the answer to the question, what am i really? I'm a human being like you, like everyone around us. Everyone we know everyone we dont know but know to exist in the past, preseant and future. All that makes me different is my personal tastes and they are very dark and what people would say is generic for gothic so in a way maybe there right a

Name: Matthew
Does your name mean anything?: Gift of God (someone was hoping)
Nick Name(s): Mat, Squirrel, Selith, Sidny
Screen Name(s): Matthew MacRae, Sidny Lightfoot, Selith
Date Of Birth: 02/10/90
Place of Birth: Kent
Current Location: South East, UK
Sign: Libra
Height: Around 5.8
Weight: 10.2 stone (and going down for no reason)
Shoe Size: 13
Hair Colour: Brown
Eye Colour: Brown (sometimes dark brown near black other times pale)
Innie or Outie?: Innie
Righty, Lefty, or Ambidextrous?: Lefty (and proud of it )

Who Is Your...
Best Friends: Oliver, John, Hannah, Steph
Best friend you trust more than anyone: Oliver, Hannah
Worst Enemy: I have too many due to my oddball nature
Funniest friend: Steph, argueing is fun
Craziest friend: Does father count?
Loudest Friend: Hannah
Person you cry with: I dont, i cry alone

Do You Have...

Any sisters: Yes 1
Any brothers: Nope
Any pets: No
A Disease: Only the remains of one but youll never prononce it
A Pager: nope
A Personal phone number: Yes, but i can never remember it
A leather jacket with studs on it?: No
A Pool or hot tub: No
A Car: Nope (i hate driving)
Room: Yes
Shoes: Yes
School: Till they evict me
Bed: Yes
Relationship with your parent(s): Very good
Believe in yourself: Till i make a mistake or fail at somthing
Do you believe in love at first sight? yes but its never happened
Consider yourself a good listener: yes and no
Consider yourself a good friend: Yes but i make mistakes
Get Along with your parents: till i annoy them
Save your e-mail conversations: yes if there important to me
Pray: Not any more
Like to make fun of people: no, and if i do its in jest and never mean it, also expect it back
Like to talk on the phone: no i hate the sound of my voice
Like to drive: no i can trust myself to be sensible, not sure about others though
Get motion sickness: only when reading in a car
Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: im sure i do in public, alone not sure depends
Dream in colour: Yes
Sleep with a stuffed animal: Nope but i have a very old squirrel, hes only 2 months younger than me

On the walls of your room: mostly paint from mishaps during my time as a painter
On your mouse pad: nemesis inferno, needed a new one
Your dream car: Aston Martin DB9 but id never drive it
your dream date: i only think of what i can have its safer
Your dream honeymoon spot: eygpt, or cornwall
Your bedtime: when im tired
Under your bed: rubbish from years gone by
Your bad time of the day: dont have one unless im ill
Your worst fear(s): dying alone with my eyes closed, harm to those i love
The weather is like: sunny just
The time? 11:06 am
The date? 22nd March 2009
The best trick you ever played on someone: i dont im more subtle
The weirdest food or drink that you like: well no idea to me its all normal
The hardest thing about growing up: loosing friends
Your funniest experience: putting myself in hospital for 3 months
Your scariest moment: landing in a plane for the first and only time
The silliest thing you've said: einstins riddle was hard the first time i did it
The worst feeling in the world: Sadness
The best feeling in the world: Love

Favourites

Number: 42
Colour: Red, Black
Day: Monday or Friday
Month: October
Song: Truth Beneath the Rose by Within Temptation
Movie: Schindlers List
Food: Curry, really sad i know
Band(s): Within Temptation, Sonata Arctica and Nightwish
Season: Autumn and Winter
Sport: Snooker, Hockey
Class: History
Teacher: History atm (no names its rude)
Soft Drink: 7 Up
TV Show: Dr who
Animal: Squirrel
Country: Between Holland, Egypt and Iceland
Actress: none really
Actor: Liam Neeson or Heath Ledger
Singer: Sharon Den Adel, or Phill Collins

This or that

Me/You: You
Coke/pepsi: Coke
Day/night: Unfair they both are wonderful
Cd/casette: CD
Dvd/vhs: DVD
Jeans/Trakies: Jeans
Car/truck: car
Tall/short: tall
Lunch/dinner: Dinner