So have I ever mentioned how much I hate holidays? Like majorly. Because they always remind me of bad things that have happened in the past. Expecially christmas...why is it that I get depressed on days that are supposed to be happy? I'm such a loser. Excuse me while I go hide in my emo corner! *scoffs* This is bull!! I hate myself!! I really want to just die sometimes, you know? Get rid of all the pain. Sometimes when have really bad things wrong with me. Like when I'm so sick I can't move. I pray to god to kill me...so then I won't have to live with any of this remorse or put up with all the idiots in the world. I just want the pain to go away-no. What I want more is for my sister's pain to go away. I want my parents to stop fighting and just love eachother again....I want my brother and his girlfriend to stop fighting and realize how lucky they are because they have eachother and a beautiful daughter...I wish the yelling would stop and everyone would just realize that yelling will get you nowhere in life..........I want the lieing to stop..from others...from me....a great man once said all you need is love. Love will help you and in time that person will be all the nourishment you need. I realize this fact. Love is great, but sometimes all the pain in the world is something a lover can't cure. It'd be like a momentary reprive....a cure for the common cold......I'm sorry to all I've hurt...all I've been mean too. All I've ever done wrong....and to you...my love, I wish some things had never happened, but they did....and that can't change. I do love you, yes, but sometimes things are so hard to get over....you understand? I'm sorry. I'm a wishy-washy little bitch. I can't help my feelings. I can't help loveing you and I sure as hell can't help being the way I am....Through thick and thin...remember I love you...life without you would be like a dull pencil...completely pointless...and here I sit, moping about enstead of doing something about my life and the problems I see in it.....

~~~~~~~~

The Final - Diru

(english lyrics)

The intention is clear, I stare… with this left hand, unable to be worded
Every time I bleed, there lies the reason to live… And I discover words being so vivid and bright

Even loved ones scatter like petals from flowers in my hand
So even if I engraved the meaning that I lived in my hand, it will only be known as flowers of vanity

the final

One by one it multiplies… why be a sad bait?

Deep within the hell of my heart… I can’t go back
A self-tortured loser, not being able to see tomorrow
Suicide is the proof of life

Even loved ones scatter like petals from flowers in my hand
So even if I engraved the meaning that I lived in my hand, the petals will just scatter as flowers of vanity

So I can’t live
What’s lost can’t be born again

A song that’s not even seeking the proof of living
Let’s put an end… the final

Let’s blood flowers of attempted suicide...

I'm thinking about taking a vow of silence. Why? Because I can. No reason really just to see how much people miss my voice. lol No seriously. I'm sick and tired of everyone around me yelling-at me-at eachother. Then it makes me yell...and I don't like that. So I've been thinking...Maybe I should just shut up all together and see what happens. Why is it so hard for people to understand that words shouldn't be used like that? I try so hard to be civil. Towards everyone, but I can't do it sometimes and I feel that maybe by doing it I can show my family that by missing one voice they can learn to use theirs better....I seriously doubt it because my family is full of bull headed stubborn oafs, but hey it's worth a shot, yes?

SO. I feel like I'm about done with everything. I try and be civil towards her I do. But I always end up argueing or feeling hurt. It's crap. I'm depressed as hell and to top it all off she is completely oblivious. I'll bet if I posted this on a blog on bebo. A site she has as well. She wouldn't look at it. She talks to me like nothing happened between us....Like she never broke my heart...like she still thinks she's my best friend....A question to any of you who will actually read this and that can answer....Are you friends with any of you ex's? And if so are you on good terms? *head desks* Also on an even brighter note...That bitch made me hate Hyde. I was listening to one of his songs and it made me cry cuz it made me think of her and I cursed at Hyde. He never did anything to me! That stupid egotistical fake did!!!! *punches wall* As you may be able to tell I'm still venting! *sighs* This fucking sucks!!!

So here it is. On bebo. We'll see if she notices. Probably because it has she in it and what other person would I refer to as she and not say a name to?