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The NEW I Hate Horatio Caine Club
These rules are designed to keep out anyone who secretly admires Horatio Caine and must therefore be ridiculed by the rest of the club.
ALWAYS look at a person when you are talking to them. Yes. I mean the WHOLE entire sentence. Don't look out into the horizon over the ocean/at the big white mansion in the background/into the depths of the shimmering Miami pool water with flowing scraps of white fabric blowing in the breeze behind it and then turn to the person you are talking to at the very last word of the sentence, glaring at them through your creepy sunglasses. It's stupid. Real stupid.
NEVER EVER EVER crouch down to a small kid and say something creepy like "I'll always be here if you need me," in a deep and gravelly whisper, then handing them a card with your name on it, knowing that handing the kid said card means he/she will soon be placed in imminent danger.
Do NOT have some stupid clever line for each and every tragedy that befalls someone. Seriously. Show some sensitivity.
This is just plain cool.
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This was written by mrsgiggles.
If you are fortunate enough never to have watched a single episode of C$I: Miami, count yourself lucky for not having to subject yourself to one of the most unlikeable, teeth-grittingly irritating blowhards to ever grace the TV screen. Yes, I'm talking about Horatio Caine, the head honcho of the CSI team. There is nothing like bad plot expositions driven into my skull like rusty rapier blades to drive home just how excruciating this show is. But I just can't stop watching.
It is very easy to hate Horatio Caine even on sight alone. David Caruso looks as if he's spent his time in career limbo trapped in a desiccating jar in Area 51 where they suck all fluids from his body until all is left is a shriveled husk of a man. His face is always in danger in caving in on itself, with his wrinkles giving his face an eerie resemblance to a post-nuclear holocaust moon landscape. He walks with a slouch. He covers his shrunken pea-sized eyes with a pair of shades that make his head even more like a shrunked head rejected by Voodoo priests. But that is before he opens his mouth.
Horatio Caine doesn't speak like you and me. Every sentence from his mouth is a proclaimation of his omnipotency. He is always right and he wants you to know it. He passes judgments on everything in his path. When told that the deceased was dying even before she was killed by somebody, he would say, "Well, let's find who robbed her of the last days of her life!" He drops phrases like "Crime doesn't pay" into his conversations as if he's conducting a lecture on public safety. He doesn't talk to people, he asks them questions on which the answers he already knows, as if he's a schoolteacher and they are his dumb students. Even his laughable attempts "romance", such as when he decides to subjugate his brother's widow with his procreative urges, is totally unconvincing because this man is a blowhard who acts like he's superior to everybody else around him.
It gets even more annoying when the script lets him be some superhero. I don't really know what his job is, to be honest. He's a cop? He's a bomb specialist? Or is he just a lab person? Wait, he's Miami's Jesus. Every final scene will have Horatio standing at the beach or during sunset or better still, at the beach during sunset, where he will put on those irritating shades and put on that sober Crusader of Justice (Mood: Mournful) look. Speaking of those shades, why is he wearing them during sunset? Or in a building? Are they some sort of special shades that mark him as the son of Jesus or something?
Much has been said about Kim Delaney on this show but seriously, I miss her Megan character even if Megan doesn't come off as a credible forensics person because Megan is the only character that tries to argue with Horatio and question his decisions and theories. But Delaney rubs Caruso the wrong way and the producers are willing to blame her for less-than-impressive ratings so adios, Delaney! And now, there is no one to contain the raging God Complex of Horatio Caine and he is becoming more intolerable by the week.
But why do I watch C$I: Miami then? Okay, here's an unpopular confession: I prefer this TV show over the original CSI. The original CSI takes itself too seriously at times and the writing isn't good enough to warrant such sobriety. On the other hand, C$I: Miami is laughably bad. The "suspense" is transparent, the lines are laughable, and the scripts are often tacky. What's not to love about such a fabulously lousy TV show? Also, this CSI team is far more interesting than the original team, especially because Calleigh is a kickass gal, Alexx has never met a corpse she doesn't touch or feel for inappropriately (she probably gets high on the sly), Speed is driven to stubble haven because he is obviously nursing a crush on both Horatio and Delko, and Delko is one confused twit who jumps from girlfriend to girlfriend, unaware that his true love is carrying a came
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What????? Horatio is a goddamn legend!!!!!!!!!!
22 weeks ago
'You dine with the devil...you wake up in hell"
retard!
40 weeks agoi still think he's ace!!
lmao x x
41 weeks agohahaha love. it!! made me laugh
42 weeks agoThe rare times I watch CSI Miami (Las Vegas is muchos better! >_> ) I seriously hate Horatio.Therefore, I am joining.
45 weeks agothat man is a fucking legend !!!
46 weeks agoI hate that Ginger Bastard... Yes We have a murder to solve you Fuck... Why Is it not Yours!!!! I hope he Die's Screaming and Alone!!! And that Gill Grissom is on holidays in aruba at the time of his murder so it goes un-solved.... Then Goes into the cold case files... And is one of those rare cases that even the cold case crew coulden't give a shit about.....
46 weeks agoBut Really
I rather dislike this person.... A Lot
I Hate That Guy With A Violent Passion!
46 weeks agoYou are wrong. Horatio Caine is a god
47 weeks agonot even a good actor, ugly and he's ginger
50 weeks agoScuse Me?!
51 weeks agoHoratio RULES!
He's so cool
52 weeks agoHoratio Cane is the KING!
52 weeks agoU'z oo better just leave Horatio Caine(David Caruso) alone youll have 2 go throw me n the DYT.
53 weeks ago
Well, i know his one-liners are stupid, but i think the producers have copped onto the fact that everyone thinks that they are soo stupid and funny that they write them in intentionally!! 
53 weeks agoHoratio is class
54 weeks agoU are an asshole
grissom from the original csi owns this wackjob!!!!!!
55 weeks agoOMFG you know what is annoying
55 weeks agothe programme would be like 15 mins long if he didn't spend all of his time messing with his goddamn glasses and
when the guy shot one of his friends and then people were gonna chase after him
he was all "wait for it..."
then he took off his glasses and started to run eventually
!!!
ahh I feel your pain
xx
While this is quiet funny, ur wrong, Horatio is one of the best characters ever, love him or hate u gotta admit that...
55 weeks agoi GUESS YOU COULD SAY THIS SITE IS 'HORACIST' HAHAHA
55 weeks ago