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The Gift
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Waldo Jeffers had reached his limit. It was now mid-August which meant that he had been separated from Marsha for more than two months. Two months, and all he had to show were three dog-eared letters and two very expensive long-distance phone calls. True, when school had ended and she'd returned to Wisconsin and he to Locust, Pennsylvania she had sworn to maintain a certain fidelity. She would date occasionally, but merely as amusement. She would remain faithful. But lately Waldo had begun to worry.
He had trouble sleeping at night and when he did, he had horrible dreams.He lay awake at night, tossing and turning underneath his printed quilt protector, tears welling in his eyes, as he pictured Marsha, her sworn vows overcome by liquor and the smooth soothings of some Neanderthal, finally submitting to the final caresses of sexual oblivion. It was more than the human mind could bear. Visions of Marsha's faithlessness haunted him. Daytime fantasies of sexual abandon permeated his thoughts. And the thing was, they wouldn't understand who she really was. He, Waldo, alone, understood this. He had intuitively grasped every nook and cranny of her psyche. He had made her smile, and she needed him, and he wasn't there.
The idea came to him on the Thursday before the Mummers Parade was scheduled to appear. He had just finished mowing and edging the Edelsons lawn for a dollar-fifty, and had checked the mailbox to see if there was at least a word from Marsha. There was nothing but a circular form the Amalgamated Aluminum Company of America inquiring into his awning needs. At least they cared enough to write. It was a New York company. You could go anywhere in the mails.
Then it struck him: he didn't have enough money to go to Wisconsin in the accepted fashion, true, but why not mail himself? It was absurdly simple. He would ship himself parcel post special delivery.
The next day Waldo went to the supermarket to purchase the necessary equipment. He bought masking tape, a staple gun and a medium sized cardboard box, just right for a person of his build. He judged that with a minimum of jostling he could ride quite comfortably. A few air holes, some water, a selection of midnight snacks, and it would probably be as good as going tourist.
By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set. He was thoroughly packed and the post office had agreed to pick him up at three o'clock. He'd marked the package "FRAGILE" and as he sat curled up inside, resting in the foam rubber cushioning he'd thoughtfully included, he tried to picture the look of awe and happiness on Marsha's face as she opened the door, saw the package, tipped the deliverer, and then opened it to see her Waldo finally there in person. She would kiss him, and then maybe they could see a movie. If he'd only thought of this before. Suddenly rough hands gripped the package and he felt himself borne up. He landed with a thud in a truck and then he was off.
Marsha Bronson had just finished setting her hair. It had been a very rough weekend. She had to remember not to drink like that. Bill had been nice about it though. After it was over he'd said that he still respected her and, after all, it was certainly the way of nature and even though no, he didn't love her, he did feel an affection for her. And after all, they were grown adults. Oh, what Bill could teach Waldo -- but that seemed many years ago. Sheila Klein, her very, very best friend walked in through the porch screen door into the kitchen.
"Oh God, it's absolutely maudlin outside."
"Ugh, I know what you mean, I feel all icky." Marsha tightened the belt on her cotton robe with the silk outer edge. Sheila ran her finger over some salt grains on the kitchen table, licked her finger and made a face. "I'm supposed to be taking these salt pills, but," she wrinkled her nose, "they make me feel like throwing up." Marsha started to pat herself under the chin, an exercise she'd seen on television.
"God, don't even talk about that."
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38 day ago
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New Job
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After a tortured night I wake full of determination. I review my position, and consider with circumspect gravity my inner strength. My new job demands much, and I eat my breakfast whilst wearing a serious and adult expression. I suck the coffee with a professionally pained mouth, and flip the pages of my broadsheet nonchalantly.
I swoop back up the stairs in my towelling dressing-gown, and fling open my wardrobe in a manner which I assume to be casual and easy. My suit hangs in front of me, full of nothing. It is up to me to fill it with myself. I pull on the trousers, and carefully fold my penis behind the zip, fastening the button with what I hope is a manly grin. I tuck my shirt into my trousers, and spend some time with my understated tie. My jacket feels slightly small under my arms, but it is nothing anyone would notice. I wonder what my new workmates will be like, and fantasise briefly about the relationships I may possibly enjoy with other members of the organisation.
I glance once again at my digital watch, and decide that I am ready. I pull on my coat, check that I have my keys, and walk out the door, slamming it firmly behind me. I stand outside, looking blankly ahead, realising I don't have a new job at all.
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45 day ago
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MY ALBUMS LIST
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I update this list as I get more and more albums.
LEGEND:
Plain Text: This album was a gift from someone
Bold text: I bought this album myself
Italicized text: I burnt this album
Underlined text: I downloaded this album LEGALLY
Crossed text I downloaded this album... illegally...
Bold and something else from the above: I burnt, downloaded etc this album, but I later bought it.
*Stars either side*: This was in my parent's collection, and I imported it to the computer.
By the way, I don't list any Greatest hits albums here.
( ) - Sigur Rós
461 Ocean Boulevard - Eric Clapton
1984 - Van Halen
2112 - Rush
10,000 Days - Tool
Absolution - Muse
Abbey Road - The Beatles
Ace of Spades - Motörhead
Achtung Baby - U2
Adore - Smashing Pumpkins
Ænima - Tool
The Aeroplane Flies High - Smashing Pumpkins
*After the Gold Rush - Neil Young*
Aftermath - The Rolling Stones
Aha Shake Heartbreak - Kings Of Leon
Airbag/How Am I Driving? - Radiohead
*Aja - Steely Dan*
Album Minus Band - Bomb the Music Industry!
All That You Can't Leave Behind - U2
...And Justice for All - Metallica
American Gothic - Smashing Pumpkins
American IV: The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
Amnesiac - Radiohead
Another Side of Bob Dylan - Bob Dylan
Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson
Appetite for Destruction - Guns N' Roses
Aqualung - Jethro Tull
Are You Experienced - The Jimi Hendrix Experience
The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace - Karl Jenkins
Arular - M.I.A.
At Folsom Prison - Johnny Cash
Autobahn - Kraftwerk
Automatic for the People - R.E.M.
Axis: Bold as Love - The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Back in Black - AC/DC
Bad - Micheal Jackson
Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
Battle of Los Angeles - Rage Against The Machine
Because of the Times - Kings of Leon
The Beatles - The Beatles
Beautiful Freak - Eels
Beggars Banquet - The Rolling Stones
The Bends - Radiohead
Black Holes and Revelations - Muse
Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath
Black Sabbath Vol 4 - Black Sabbath
Blonde on Blonde - Bob Dylan
Blood on the Tracks - Bob Dylan
Blood Sugar Sex Magik - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Blur - Blur
Boa vs Python - Test Icicles
Bossanova - Pixies
Broken Boy Soldiers - The Raconteurs
Buddha - blink-182
Californication - Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Can't Buy a Thrill - Steely Dan*
Cheshire Cat - blink-182
The Clash - The Clash
Close to the Edge - Yes
Come Away with Me - Nora Jones
The Coral - The Coral
*Countdown to Ecstasy - Steely Dan*
Country Life - Roxy Music
Crazy?Yes!Dumb?No! - The Mint Chicks
Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd
Daydream Nation - Sonic Youth
Debut - Björk
Definitely Maybe - Oasis
Déjà Vu - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
De-Loused in the Comatorium - The Mars Volta
Demon Days - Gorillaz
Deserter's Songs - Mercury Rev
Destroyer - KISS
Destroy Rock & Roll - Mylo
Devil Without a Cause - Kid Rock
*Diamonds on the Inside - Ben Harper*
Different Class - Pulp
diRty - Sonic Youth
Disintegration - The Cure
Diver Down - Van Halen
Dookie - Green Day
The Doors - The Doors
The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails
Dude Ranch - blink-182
Earphoria - Smashing Pumpkins
Electric Ladyland - The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Elephant - The White Stripes
Eliminator - ZZ Top
The End Is the Beginning Is the End - Smashing Pumpkins
Enema of the State - blink-182
The Eraser - Thom Yorke
Everybody Knows This is Nowhere - Neil Young & Crazy Horse
Exile on Main St - The Rolling Stones
Faith - George Michael
Fever to Tell - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
First Issue - Public Image Ltd.
Flyswatter -
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106 day ago
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i got f*#$en toasted lol
