Bebo

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	Chapter Four
	After that day I had been in a real pissy mood, snapping at everybody left and right. It was like I was PMS-ing only except I'm not a girl so I really wasn't. Okay, so that was a bad comparison I know but seriously, JOSH = PISSED OFF. I really shouldn't be I mean, Hayley was saying we couldn't be together because if anything happened between us, she didn't want me to hurt myself. She was just being paranoid. Where does she get off thinking that I'll just turn to the path I was on before I admitted my feelings for her? Well, alright... she was right. I /did/ end up hurting myself over her and we weren't even together when I did. Was it a mistake? Probably. Nobody's even been noticing the bulky cuts on my wrists which were now forming into some pretty gnarly ever-lasting scars. I had been doing everything to hide them, like wearing long sleeve shirts or wearing my rad fingerless gloves that I conveniently bought the last time we were in a Hot Topic. And nobody has thought anything of it. Or at least I hope they haven't. Sure, they give me odd, suspicious looks when I greet them in the morning, wearing the same shirt I had on the day before and these ridiculous black fingerless gloves that were actually rather way too small for me over my hands. But, before any of them had a chance to open their mouths, I'd start up a conversation that would direct them away from my odd dressing habits. And it'd work. I had actually continued cutting my wrists ever since that day but I had since discarded that old rusty nail, it didn't satisfy me enough. I had pulled out my old pocketknife - yeah, gnarly I know. It's pretty rigid, the blade I mean. Hey, it works. That's all I care about. Hayley and I hadn't exchanged a single word since that day backstage. Alright, so I exxagerate. We hadn't exchanged /many/ words since that day. If we did, it'd be a strained 'hello' as we pass by one another around the bus. Performing hasn't been going very decent either. I was so out of it and Hayley was, too. Which brought down everyone elses spirit so the whole performance would be pretty awful. Not so awful that we'd get booed like Ashlee Simpson when she was caught lip-syncing, no not like that. But, we weren't doing so well. I was beginning to feel that our band was getting into some trouble. It was Hayley's fault. Wait, no it's not. It's mine. If I hadn't gone ahead and fallen in love with her and then blabbed about it, we wouldn't be in this mess. And I wouldn't be hurting myself again. I wouldn't be trying to end my life again. But, here I am, seated in my bunk with the curtain drawn so no one could peer in with my pocketknife in my hand, hovering above my left wrist. It was around two in the morning, the last time I checked the time. I hadn't been sleeping too well lately which was probably another reason why I haven't been playing very well. Without out much hestiation, I zipped the pocketknife across my wrist, wincing and stifling a pained groan, stuffing my right fist into my mouth to keep it from being heard. Hayley was sleeping in the bunk above me and if she heard me and came down to check on me, I'd be dead. It hurt like a bitch... but it did the trick. I watched the crimson liquid trickle down my arms, it was practically glowing in the dark. I held the knife in my other hand and shakily ran it across my right wrist, but since my left hand was shaky from being in pain my pained groan managed to slide out of my mouth full-force and I dropped the knife and clapped both hands over my mouth. I sat there in silence for a few moments, straining my ears to hear any sound. I heard Zac turn over in his bunk but that was it. I pulled my hands away from my mouth and let out a relieved sigh. I reached for my knife again and quietly stepped out of my bunk, careful not to make it creak as I did so. I tip-toed over to our bus' kitchen area and turned on the sink, rinsing off my pocketknife and my wrists, the cool water felt good running down my arms. I turned the faucet off and watched the blood go down the drain before walking to our mini-fridge and grabbing a poptart and a bottled water. I kicked the fridge's door shut and turned around the corner backward and bumped into someone, sending me sprawling and I grabbed the wall to try and steady myself but I felt the person I ran into collapse underneath me. So, basically the scene was that I was doing the splits over this other person. Like they were doing the limbo with my legs. I expected it to be Zac because he normally wakes up for a quick snack before going back to bed but it ended up being someone else. Go on, take a guess. A feminine groan hit my ears and I knew instantly that it was Hayley. Who else could it be? Well, sure I was mad at her but I couldn't just leave her there. I was mad at her, sure, but I still loved her. So, I reached my hand down and grasped hers within mine and pulling her up. She pressed her hand against my chest as she used me for support to steady herself. "Sorry," I whispered and to my relief I heard her giggle. "Don't worry about it," She said, squinting her eyes to get adjusted to the darkness. "Josh," she said simply, now realizing that it was me who nearly took her head off. I chuckled and nodded, "Yeah." Through the darkness, I could see her give me a smile and I felt bad for being so mad at her. She was still trying to make an effort to be my friend but I wasn't allowing it. My shoulders sagged and I sighed. "I was just getting some water before going back to sleep," she explained, fumbling towards the mini-fridge and pulling a bottled water out. "What were you doing up?" She asked me and I had to quickly think up a lie. Which would be easy seeing as how I had a poptart and bottled water in my hands. "Just getting something to eat," I replied, holding up my packaged pastry and grinning. This was as much as we had talked since that day backstage and it was about food. I had to talk to her, to apologize to her. What better way than now while everyone was still asleep? "Well... Goodnight, Josh," She said, turning to return to her bunk. My hand darted out and snatched her tiny wrist in my hand and I gently pulled her back. "Wait, can we talk?" I asked, pleading to her with my eyes. "Josh, it's two in the morning. Can it wait til tomorrow?" She responded, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn. "...Please?" I said, sounding a bit desperate now but it must've worked because I saw her give me a nod and I lead her over to my bunk and we both climbed into it. My pocketknife was still in my hand but I had snuck it back into my pocket during our fall. I set my food and water aside and crossed my legs indian-style and Hayley sat directly in front of my in the same position. I sighed and started to speak. "Look, Hayley... I'm sorry I've been such a jerk these past few days. You don't deserve it. You were only trying to keep me from harming myself if anything ever.. happened, right?" I asked, looking at her outline through the darkness. "Right. That's all I was trying to-" I cut her off. "But, what you don't understand was that you weren't keeping me from doing that after all." Uh oh, here it comes. Word vomit. I was about to tell her that I had started hurting myself again. I hadn't meant for it to come up but now that I had basically admitted it there was no turning back. "Wh-, What...?" She started to say but was clearly taken aback at how I was handling everything. I sighed once more and felt under my pillow for my laptop and turned it on for light. The screen turned on and bright white-ish blue light poured through my bunk and I reached for the curtain and drew it closed before the light poured into the rest of the bunk area, waking everyone up. She just watched me, her mouth slightly open and quivering as if she were about to say something as I slid my sleeves up and held them in front of the light so she could see. I heard her let out a shrieky gasp and snatch both my wrists in her hands, turning them, examining them. "Josh! Why? You were doing so well, I don't understand!" Her voice was a bit more than a simple whisper and I shushed her calmly. She lowered her voice. "Because of you." I said simply. It was the truth. "Me? Josh, you're crazy..." She breathed out, shaking her head disbelievingly. "Oh am I? The reason I had started trying to kill myself in the first place was over you. Because I was afraid to tell you that I loved you and couldn't take the rejection if you didn't love me back!" I said, my voice raising a bit. "But-" Her small voice started up again but I cut her off rather harshly. I had to let this out. "But, when I finally told you after I had kissed you I felt better. So much better," I continued, my voice cracking and I swallowed back the tears that were unexpectedly forming in my brown eyes. I blinked them back and continued, "Then when you told me backstage that we couldn't be together just to keep me from 'getting worse'," I used her words. "Well, guess what Hayley? It didn't stop me from getting worse. It didn't help me. It just brought me right back to where I was before I told you I loved you." I stopped talking and took a few breaths, they were coming rapidly as I tried so hard not to cry. I turned my head away and pulled my wrists out of Hayley's grip and opened my mouth for another breath when instead a whimper escaped my lips. She shifted in her spot and crawled toward me, putting a finger under my chin and turning my head to face hers. She gently stroked my cheek and looked into my shimmering eyes with sad ones of her own. "Why didn't you just tell me this then? Before you..." She motioned to my wrists, I knew what she meant. And I just shrugged my shoulders, a few tears escaping my eyes. "Baby..." She cooed cutely, using some pet name for me and she leaned in pressing her cool forehead against mine. It was silent for a few moments, Hayley dropped her hands to my wrists and caressed them tenderly, her forefinger tracing my forming scars. "So, this is my fault," She said, not really knowing if it was toward me or if she was talking to herself. It definitely wasn't a question though, it was a statement. I shook my head. "No, no it isn't." She chuckled coldly and I saw her grin. "Yes, it is. You know it is. If I hadn't... I didn't think the things I said to you through to well. If I had known what I said was going to result to this... I wouldn't have said it at all." "Why can't we just be together?" I asked, trying to get straight to the point. "I love you, Hayley." I told her, honestly. She took her gaze off my wrists and straight into my eyes. I waited for her to respond but when she didn't I sighed and shook my hands out of her grip and turned to face the wall but she grabbed my forearm and pulled me back toward her. "What is it?" I asked and she was looking at me amusedly and I wondered what she was up to. I didn't get much wondering done because she leaned up and kissed me, sending butterflies exploding in my stomach. She placed a pale hand on my chest and pushed me down against the pillows and she climbed on top of me, pulling away and leaving a trail of kisses down my neck, and I ended up having to stifle a small moan. Her lips were too damn warm. She pulled her head up and looked down at me with a smile. "I love you, too." I smiled and leant up to peck her on the lips quickly. "Then be with me." I told her simply, snaking my arms around her slender waist. All she did was grin and she leaned back down to continue kissing me. I'll take that as an okay.
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