Bebo

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	Chapter Three
	It was showtime. The five of us had exited the stuffy tour bus and made our way down to the venue we were to be playing at this evening. We had to be their an hour or so early for soundcheck. It was about a five to ten minute walk down to the stage and I was pretty much on a Hayley high at the moment. I had only told her exactly how I felt about her only a mere hour earlier and I had a smile on my face since. We were walking side by side now and I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and it seemed that Hayley was deep in thought about something. I could tell because she was biting down hard on her bottom lip and her eyes were somewhat glazed over and squinted down at the ground she was walking on. I called it her thinking face because that's how it always contorted into when she was contemplating. And if you haven't noticed, I'm no mind reader. So, I had no clue at all as to what she could possibly be thinking about. To be honest, we hadn't exactly talked much after the kiss. When we were getting ready to come down here, the only words we'd exchange would be something like 'Have you seen my eyeliner?' or just a simple 'Hey' as we rushed to get set. I knew that she wasn't ignoring me though, that was for certain. And also a good thing on my part. She hadn't rejected me. But, she hadn't exactly said anything back. When I told her that I loved her all she did was have a cute, silly grin on her face. And now here she was dragging her feet along a couple inches behind me with her 'thinking face' pulled on. Maybe she was just in... 'I Love You Shock'. Yeah, that had to be it. What? You've never heard of that? Basically, it's when you tell someone you love them truthfully, you know, and well they're just in pure shock. Hopefully, not a bad kind of shock. Just... they don't know what to say if it caught them off guard. I don't know if I had done that to Hayley. I was confused. She kissed me back, that must mean something. And on top of that, she wasn't ignoring me as much as I could tell. Then what the hell was bothering her? We slowly made our way up the ramp towards the back of the stage and I moved to stage right and got the amp plugged in and guitar tuned as we started getting ready for our soundcheck. Have to make ourselves sound good for the people, you know. As I pulled my guitar's strap over my head and settled it over my shoulder, I glanced out onto the currently bare field in front of the stage. Within about an hour's time the whole field would be filled with kids, holding digital cameras and video cameras over their heads and singing as loud as they can along with our songs. To put it bluntly; I was stoked. I could feel my adrenaline running as I turned on the amp and played a few notes on my trusty guitar, making sure it was tuned right. It made a screeching sound basically letting me know that it had some more tuning to do. And as I went ahead and took care of that, I glanced around the stage I was standing on, Zac was seated behind his drum kit with his drumsticks in his hands. He was clacking them together as he waited for Hayley to give the usual countdown. Jeremy was standing right in front of Zac's drum kit, fumbling with the neck of his bass. Taylor was all the way on stage left, tuning his guitar as well. Hayley was in the center, wrestling with the mic stand to tug the microphone off without getting crushed by the mic stand which was taller than her. I chuckled under my breath, as if she could hear me laughing at her from over here, as she dragged the mic stand over to the side by Zac. She patted the microphone in the palm of her left hand, staring absentmindedly out into the field. Her microphone was wrapped in the usual orange grip tape, it helped when her hands started to get sweaty so she the mic wouldn't slip out of her hands while performing. She's been doing that for the past year or so and it also helped distinguish her mic from everybody elses. Apparently, the first song on our setlist was 'For A Pessimist...'. It was a great song to have as an opener and it got the crowd going since it was so upbeat. My guitar was finally tuned correctly and I looked back and forth between Zac and Hayley as I waited for her to start a countdown. As she made her way toward Zac, I could tell that something was still bothering her. She didn't seem as into it as everybody else. Still, she raised her arm as a signal for Zac to start and he did so, clacking his drumsticks together three times before we entered the first song of our soundcheck. During soundchecks, we usually play a little slower and with less energy. Hayley took care on her voice during these as well and if we made any mistakes, not many people would be around to notice or care. It was just our time to test everything, make sure we were good to go. We ran our way through most of our setlist in what I would say was record time but we still had one more song left to run through before we were all set. That song was 'My Heart'. It was the closing song on our debut album and it had a lot of meaning. It could be interpreted both way, about God or about a loved one. And fans usually assumed that it was about a loved one. Moreso, Hayley and I. Yeah, it doesn't really bother me all so much. Seeing as how I was in love with her so they can interpret it any way they want to and it won't bother me. As we set into the song and Hayley began singing through the first verse, I was focusing on my playing but I could tell out of the corner of my eye that Hayley was looking at me. I turned toward her and noticed that her eyes were full of so many emotions. At first, I thought it was just from the song. You gotta admit, the song is pretty emotional. But, I knew it wasn't that because what she said next had nothing to do with the song. She did her best singing through the chorus but stopped abruptly in the middle of it, which confused everybody. We stopped playing and Zac stood up, obviously wondering what was going on. Jeremy and Taylor were walking over from their side to find out why she had stopped. I moved my guitar to my side and held it under my arm as I tenderly stepped toward Hayley, my face a mixture of concern and confusion. As I got closer to her, her eyes were glazed over and starting to fill with tears. What was wrong? I was taken aback by her sudden change in attitude. First, she seemed completely ecstatic ever since we had kissed and now... she was crying? I didn't understand. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing was coming out. Everything sounds just fine in your head but not as good as you thought when finally out in the open. I cleared my throat and inched toward her, reaching my hand out for her wrist but she turned away. "Hayley... What's wrong?" I asked, tenderly, smiling gently at her. She just stood there with her head down, her vision focused on her shoes. "I'm sorry..." I managed to hear her mutter before she dropped the microphone and ran. "Wha- Hayley!" I called after her, completely confused as to what just happened. The guys walked over and I felt Jeremy clap a hand onto my shoulder. "You better go after her, man," He told me, pointing into the direction she ran off to. I nodded, still in shock and pulled my guitar off over my hand and let it drag to the wood stage. I sprinted off in the direction I saw her run off to, toward backstage. "You better hurry, dude! It's almost showtime!" I heard Taylor call after me. I rolled my eyes, is that what's so important right now? "Hayley!" That's all that was flying out of my mouth. I had been calling her name over and over as I ran backstage. She had to be here, this is where we all saw her go. As I turned the corner, I got a huge whiff of wood. The whole stage was wooden and it still had that new pine smell. Whatever it was, it was still strong. My face contorted to a look of disgust. I don't know about you, but new wood doesn't smell appealing to me. Making my way to the center of this little back room we had before we all ran out onto the stage, I heard muffled sobs coming from the corner. I made my way over silently and peered around the corner and just as I suspected, Hayley was huddled in the corner, hugging her knees and her head buried in her arms. I inched my way over and slid down next to her. I didn't know what to say. I reached my hand out and ran it along her spine and I felt her shudder under my touch. She gasped and shot her head up, facing me directly in the eyes. Her face was tearstained and her eyes were red and puffy, makeup smeared everywhere. I looked at her sadly and reached my hand out to wipe away the tears that were still streaming down her cheeks. "Josh, I'm so sorry but I can't do this." Do what? I squinted my eyes in confusion. What was she talking about? "Can't do what?" I asked, tilting my head curiously. "I- we," She started, putting emphasis on 'we'. "We can't..." She just couldn't say it, it was hurting her to tell me this I could tell. Then it hit me. 'We can't.' She was talking about us. Thoughts swarmed into my head and suddenly I had so many questions. Why couldn't we? The guys were fine with it weren't they? The fans would be more than happy for us, wouldn't they? So, what was the problem? Then I realized that it must've been a bigger issue than that. "Why?" Was all I could utter out. "You... I don't want to hurt you. Make you worse," She said, her words in fragments. She wasn't making any sense. Make me worse? I just shook my head, clearly not getting it. She sighed and ran her hands over her face, hastily getting rid of her tears, her makeup getting smeared even more. "If we start dating... and something happens... I just don't want you doing anything drastic..." She told me, in a quiet voice. Doing anything drastic? Oh. Now it was starting to make sense. She didn't want me to hurt myself if something ever happened if we were to date. "I wouldn't." I said, firmly. Sure, I say this now but if anything ever did happen between us, I probably would hurt myself. Or worse. But, I was doing fine. What could happen? She shook her head, her red hair flying everywhere. "I can't take that chance." I dropped my hand back into my lap and shifted in my spot, so my back was against the wall. I couldn't believe this. She didn't want to be with me. Well, no, she did but she was just looking out for me in some weird way. This wasn't helping me. Not being with her would just set me back right where I was before I told her I loved her. Didn't she get that? She was making me worse. "But, I love you..." I said, clearly not really sure if that would help this any. She sniffed and turned her head toward me. "I know you do. I love you, too Josh but this... we can't," She said, the words paining her. "I'm sorry..." She whispered, standing up and wiping her hand over her face again before walking away, back out to the main stage. I just sat there, all sorts of emotions rushing through me. I was shocked, puzzled, confused, upset, and even slightly angry. And hurt. I was hurt, too. Had this been bothering her ever since we kissed? She had said she didn't want me to do anything drastic or get worse but I was going to get worse. She was my only way that would help me get fully 'cured', you know? Had it not occured to her that she was making me worse by saying we couldn't be together? Clenching my fists together I shifted in my spot again, getting ready to stand up and begrudgingly make my way back on stage to finish our soundcheck when my pants got hooked on a loose nail sticking out of a board on the stage. It had ripped the lining of my jeans a bit and curiously I tugged on it, pulling the rusty nail out and turning it over in my hands. Suddenly, I got this idea that if I just run it across my wrist, everything would be alright. The nail was a bit curved from when I pulled it out and I poked my wrist before fully cutting it through, the crimson blood starting to pour out of the wound. I shakily held it to my other wrist and slid it across, shuddering at the sharp pain but it slowly passed. I dropped the nail, hearing it clatter lightly on the ground and I held my arms out in front of me, watching the blood amusingly run down my arms. A few drops dripped onto the ground around me and I grinned. I stood up, using the wall for support and snatched the nail from the ground and stuffing it into my back pocket. I tried my best to wipe away the blood by running my hands under my shirt, letting it soak through. My shirt was black so it wouldn't show so much, right? I even decided on licking my arms dry like some cat cleaning themself. Anything to make sure they didn't notice. But, even when I had done my best to get rid of the blood, there were still two long deep cuts along my wrist, circling almost all the way around. I winced as I noticed blood starting to pour back out again. Before I had the chance to rip a piece of my shirt off, I heard people calling my name. My head snapped toward the direction of the stage and without thinking anymore about my bleeding wrists, I ran back onto the stage a bit disorientedly from the fact I was losing blood and grasped my guitar in my hands as I ran back out there. As I settled the strap around my neck once more I looked over next to me. Everybody was staring at me except for Hayley. She was pretending like there was something on her microphone as she fiddled with it helplessly. "Are we gonna play or what?" I snapped, narrowing my eyes at them. "You okay..?" Zac asked like the concerned little brother he was. "Fine!" I snapped, clearing still angry from what happened between Hayley and I backstage. He looked taken aback and my face softened. There was no need to take it out on him when all he was doing was making sure I was alright. "Sorry... I'm fine." I said, more softly. "Let's just play, alright?" I was almost desperate now. I had to get my mind off of Hayley and the piercing pain coming from my wrists. Zac nodded and sat back down behind his drum kit, finally counting us off into the final song without another word from anybody.
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