Bebo

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	Chapter Two
	A few weeks had past and I hadn't had one thought of suicide. I was so proud of myself. I could do this, couldn't I? It was certainly showing in my personality. I wasn't as distant as before but there were still times where I would sneak away to my bunk for time to myself. It just wasn't as bad which was a good thing. Though I knew I still had a problem. That I wasn't completely 'cured' so to speak. Since we're out on the road there's really know way that I can go get some kind of therapy or something. Not that I want it but I do admit that I need it. But, I seem to be doing just fine at the moment. I have Zac, Taylor, Jeremy, and of course Hayley around me at all times. Hayley hadn't told the others that I'm suicidal yet. Or at least that's what she's told me. She said that she wouldn't tell anybody else as long as I can keep away from thoughts of suicide for about a week. By then she figured that nobody had to know as long as I was doing alright. And it's been more than a week, probably almost four by now? And I couldn't believe it. I could really do this. I'd be alright. As long as Hayley's around to keep me in check and is just... there, you know? Then I'd be fine. Speaking of, Hayley has been a bit more watchful of me since the day I told her. She's been way more protective of me and this time she's the one following me around. She tries to keep it underwire however so that the guys don't suspect that anything's wrong. Now let me just tell you that the guys are completely clueless. They just do about their business and business being Guitar Hero of course. They just assume that Hayley's just... well, just that. Protective. And that's not really anything to get suspicious of. I mean, we're all protective over each other, we're best friends. Family-like even. So what's there to be suspicious over? Exactly. Nothing. The shows that we've been playing over the past couple of weeks have helped me significantly with my... er, problem. The kids have been so great, energetic as always, you know? Gets me pumped, ahah. And it also just shoots whatever small thoughts of suicide that may be lingering right out of my head. After the shows, we get to just hang back and meet the fans and some of them tell us stories. Some of them are of problems just like my own. I know I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who feels like they don't belong. Which makes me feel so good to be involved with To Write Love On Her Arms. To be another person that supports these people on the road to getting better. Or as better as they can get. Of course, I feel bad that here I am supporting this cause and I have a hidden problem of my own. These kids look up to us and just me alone believe it or not. And if they knew I had this problem, that I'm suicidal, well... wait. What am I talking about? They probably wouldn't care. Well, I mean they'd care but maybe it would make them look up to me even more. And they'd realize that I'm human, too. That I'm allowed to have these problems and make mistakes. They'd accept it, wouldn't they? Well, I'm not quite ready to find out yet so I'll just leave this little secret between Hayley and I for the time being. 'Cause you know... what they don't know won't hurt them. Today, we didn't have a show until later on that evening around six o'clock. And right now it was about quarter to four and everyone was sitting in the back lounge of the tour bus, watching Zac and Jeremy have a go at each other. Apparently, Jeremy had just beaten Zac at a round of Guitar Hero and well, Zac is a sore loser. Plain and simple. I looked over at Taylor who should just as well have a bowl of popcorn in his lap from the way that he was watching them. Hayley was sitting next to me, her macbook in her lap just typing away. Probably on LiveJournal or MySpace or something. It seemed as if she had no clue about what was going on just a few inches away from her. Either that or she didn't want to be involved so it was better that she keep herself occupied. I agreed. I wasn't gonna be like Taylor right now, staring wide-eyed at what was happening. "It's not fair!" "How is it not fair?!" "You cheated!" "Oh, c'mon Zac. I did not!" "Did too!" "Did not!" I chuckled at the two of them. They were such kids. Zac couldn't just admit he lost and that Jeremy won fair and square. It was just a silly game. I glanced at Taylor and laughed again at the sight of him just getting a kick out of this. I looked over at Hayley and she had a smirk on her face but her eyes were still glued to the laptop's screen. Curiously, I leant over to have a peek at what she was doing. Just as I thought, she was on LiveJournal looking at comments people have posted. She saw me looking and shut the laptop closed with a sigh. I assumed that her sigh was directed toward Zac and Jeremy who were still arguing like a couple of ten year olds. "They're a bit obnoxious, huh?" I said in a low voice so they couldn't hear. "Got that right," she replied, glancing over at them and rolling her eyes. "Guys, will ya cut it out?" She called over, getting a bit irritated. "Either stop arguing or take it outside." She pointed to the bus' exit with a grin. Still arguing, Zac and Jeremy shuffled their way toward the exit, Zac bumping into things on their way out. "Take fro boy with you!" Hayley called, signalling to Taylor whose hair has grown a ton. Taylor looked back at us and gave Hayley the death glare as he got up and stormed off after them. I waited for the bus door to shut before letting out my laughter. "Fro boy! Good one," I told her, clapping my hands. She just smirked and pushed her laptop aside. "Well, it's true. That boy's hair is humongous." She said, stretching her arms out to emphasize just how big it was. I laughed again, she was just too funny. She smiled at me and dropped her arms back to her sides. "So, how've you been holding up?" She asked, and I knew what she was talking about. "Fine. Haven't had a single thought in weeks." A relieved smile stretched across her face and she inched closer, resting her head on my shoulder. "Good." She said. "Hopefully it stays that way for longer." She added, her small hand grasping my forearm as she stayed practically curled up against me. "I hope so, too," I said, giving a small nod. "I've been doing really good, though, haven't I?" I asked, looking over at Hayley. She lifted her head up and nodded. "Oh yeah, you've been great!" She replied, brightly and giving me a smile. "I'm.. proud of you." She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before looking away quickly. Was that a blush I saw? I bit my lip and chewed on my lip ring which I did when I was nervous besides laughing. I put my arm around her and she snuggled into me more. Now, don't get me wrong, we've done the whole cuddling thing a lot before. But, never did it start out with her blushing. That was new. I guess, I should take it as a good thing, right? Don't they usually mean good things? Well, I guess they could mean embarrassment but I don't know. I shouldn't fret over it so much. I have tried a few times to tell her how I felt about her but every time one of the guys would interrupt. They sure had great timing. But, they weren't here now so I decided to use this chance to get it out in the open. It was literally killing me not knowing. I shook her gently to get her attention and I felt her stir. Had she fallen asleep? She lifted her head slightly so that she could look at me and she had a curious look on her face. "What's up?" She asked, with a tired smile. I felt bad for waking her up so I just stuttered stupidly and shook my head. "Nothing, nevermind..." She giggled and placed her hand on my shoulder. "It's gotta be something, Josh. What is it?" I sighed and closed my eyes, racking my brain on how to say this. I couldn't come up with anything, I was too scared. I couldn't just utter those three words but I wanted to. I just couldn't bring up the courage to. Then again, actions do speak louder than words. Don't they? Taking that into account, I opened my eyes slowly and shifted in my spot to face her. She cocked her head to the side as she waited for an answer. Oh, she'd get an answer, alright. I shook away my fear of rejection for once and if one of the guys came back in. Whatever. They can walk in for all I care. I had to do this. I loved her. And whatever happens, happens. Biting down on my lip one more time, I took a breath and went for it. I leaned in slowly and gave her a small smile before capturing her lips with my own. They were just like I had dreamt. Okay, so that sounds kinda creepy. They were just so soft. And what made this even better was that she was kissing me back. She hadn't even hesitated. I felt her place a small hand in the crook of my neck as she moved closer. My hands moved to her waist as I leaned in more to deepen our kiss. Blissful oblivion, guys. I did my best to let out all my repressed feelings into the kiss, I had to let her know how much I cared for her. A few moments later, I heard the bus door slam open and the guys' voices filled the bus. It seems Zac and Jeremy were done arguing. But, Hayley and I weren't done kissing. Like I said if they walked in, whatever. I heard their footsteps get closer and we both broke the kiss at the same time. It must've looked like we had been doing something because Jeremy wore a smirk, Taylor a simple grin, and Zac's face read amusement. All three of them looked at each other and walked back the way they came without a word. Hayley turned back toward me and smiled, I smiled back, reaching out to touch her cheek. I mouthed those three words I had been longing to let out, "I love you." And that same smile stayed on her features. She knew now.
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