Bebo

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	Chapter One
	Black. That's the color of my world, it seems. It's all I want to see, what I ache to see. If I could I would just glue my eyes shut forever but that's just pointless. Many times I've tried to end my life. And I know what you're thinking so don't even start. 'Oh, Josh, what are you thinking? You have it made.' Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I know my life is great, thanks. Or it's supposed to be anyway. But... lately, all I want to do is just... not exist. It's hard to form into words but it's how I've been feeling. You're probably wondering how I've tried killing myself while around my bandmates, out on the road, and whatnot, right? Well, that's easy. I leave the bus and go somewhere else. Somewhere secluded and away from civilization. I try everything. But, what I don't get is that I end up stopping myself. Backing out. Like something is holding me back and keeping me here. But what is it? Okay, so that's a pretty stupid question. I very well know the answer. And it's not an "it", it's a "she". She goes by the name of Hayley Williams. My best friend and my rock. We've been friends ever since that day she moved to Franklin. And one thing came after the next and we're in a band together. We are Paramore. For the past few years, all of us have grown extremely close in many ways but for some of us we've grown closer to specific people. Like my brother Zac for instance. Besides me, he's closest with Jeremy, our bassist. Taylor is pretty much the neutral one among us. But, with me I'm closest with Hayley. We're inseperable. Wherever she goes, I go. I'm like a dog that just follows her around all the time like it's got kicked too many times and doesn't know any better but to just follow. It's rather pathetic. And what's worse is that after all these years of being best friends... I've fallen in love with her. Sure, we see rumors over the internet that say we're dating and whatnot but we aren't. To be honest, I don't even know if she even feels the same way back. It's that usual predicament. Boy falls in love with best friend and said best friend doesn't even realize. Why is it bad? Because it's just one more thing added to this list I've gathered in the back of my mind. And when I try to... you know, commit suicide, she's what stands out the most. It's like this nagging voice in my head trying to get me to stop. To not go through with it. And then I end up listening to it and it pisses me off. It shouldn't but it does. These past few weeks I've been rather distant with everyone. An obvious sign of something wrong, of course. Everyone knows that. And I have no way to cover it up. I just lie in my bunk on the tour bus, staring at the ceiling. When Zac bugs me to play Guitar Hero with him, I just shoo him away irritatedly. Doesn't he get that I want to be left alone? Alright, fine, sure it hurts me to treat my own brother that way but... God, it just sucks. My whole life just fucking sucks and I end up fucking up other people's lives in the process. Whether it's in small ways like that or not. I watched Zac walk away with a slightly hurt look on his face and I swelled with guilt. I sighed and turned my head back toward the ceiling of my bunk. Whenever my mind darted to new ideas on how to kill myself, Hayley would just swim her way to the front of my mind and I couldn't shake her away even if I tried. I closed my eyes for a bit, to sort myself out and to try and push Hayley away from my thoughts. As I was doing so, I felt pressure on my bunk and then a warm hand on my forehead. I furrowed my brow and fluttered my eyes open. There she was in all her red-headed glory. Hayley towered over me with a small look of concern. Surely, she had noticed how distant I've been lately. So, what, she takes action now? Whatever. "Hey," she said, softly, a small smile on her face. "Hi..." I said back, not really feeling like talking right now. But, there was no use trying to get her to leave now. Deep down, I really wanted her to stay. And those feelings were overpowering the ones I wanted of her to leave. I shooed her hand away and scooted myself up so my back was pressed against the wall of my bunk. I watched her come further into my bunk, stopping right by side only mere inches from my face. Though, I wasn't looking at her I could feel her eyes boring right into mine. As if she was trying to read my thoughts. But, let's face it, Hayley was no mind reader. Though, she was good at empathy. Dammit. Her small, pale hand darted to my face and she turned my face toward her, forcing me to look back at her. I expected her face to be a look of anger or something because of how I'd been acting. But, instead she wore a soft expression and I felt her hand stroking my cheek affectionately. My whole body filled with warmth from her touch. Just because of that, a smile creeped it's way onto my features as I stared longingly into her hazel-green eyes. She was just so beautiful and just then all my thoughts of suicide fled from my body. She really is the reason why I'm still here, isn't she? My smile started to fade as I realized that she'd probably start asking questions and even worse, want some answers. I decided to just let her talk and I'd try my hardest to allow myself to confide in her just like I always had. "Josh," she started, her voice small like she didn't want anybody else to hear her. "Mmm?" I grunted in response. I braced myself for what was coming. "What's gotten into you lately? You don't seem yourself." Ain't that the truth. "Please, talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you. I'm worried about you." Her voice was so sweet. I lived off of hearing her voice. Damn it. She was good at this. At making me want to tell her all my problems. It was like this Hayley-ish charm that she possessed and there was just no way that you could hate it. It took me awhile to answer since I knew I couldn't just come out with the typical "Nothing". She'd see right through that. What do I tell her? That I want to die? It's not easy admitting that you have a problem. Anybody could tell you that. Maybe it's best that I just tell her now. It's not like I'd stop trying even after I told her. Though, that would mean that I'd have to lie to my best friend. I couldn't do that. God, what do I do? "It's not easy to say," I finally replied, my voice rather soft as well. I glanced over at her and noticed her giving me a reassuring smile, urging me to go on. "Uhm... well," I started, running a hand through my hair, trying to think of how to tell her. "I've been trying to kill myself." I blurted out. The way I ended up wording it sounded really stupid but it got it's point across. My bunk grew silent and I didn't dare look at her. I felt her move her hand away from my face and my heart sunk. I knew I shouldn't have told her. "You.. what?" She replied, her voice full of pure shock but when I turned my head to look at her, her face read confusion. "Please don't make me say it again." I said, letting out a nervous chuckle. "This isn't funny." She snapped. That chuckle wasn't to make the situation seem funny at all. "Just... why?" She asked, and I detected that her voice was full of hurt. "That's the thing. I don't know why," I replied, smacking myself in the head. I was frustrated with myself because I still haven't seemed to figure out why. There's gotta be a reason. I'm not just trying to kill myself for kicks. Maybe it was all this fame or maybe it was because of Hayley. I haven't told her that I love her and it was literally driving me to the brink of death. I couldn't bare to take the rejection if she didn't love me back. She didn't react any different to my response. Not trying to pry in anymore. "Oh, Josh..." She said, placing her hand back on my cheek, stroking it gently. I looked at her, her eyes were filling with tears just threatening to stream down her face. I didn't want her to cry. "Hayles, don't cry. There's no reason for you to cry." I told her, chuckling nervously again as I reached out to touch her face but she moved away. "Yes, there is! Josh, you're my best friend and I can't stand that you're feeling this way," She breathed out, the tears trickling down her cheeks by now. "Why didn't you tell me before now?" I just shook my head. "I... I dunno..." I replied, ashamed that I had no real answer. "I'm so sorry..." I apologized, my voice growing soft again. That's all I could really tell her now. I was hurting her and that hurt me more than I could bare. I knew that she doesn't want me to die, that's very clear. I know she doesn't want me to. But, does she know that it's her fault? I decided to just push away all my suicidal thoughts and focus on her right now. I shifted a little in my spot and inched toward her, using my thumb to wipe away her tears. She seemed to have calmed down a bit which relieved me. I couldn't stand to see her this upset even though I know I caused it. Suddenly, she pushed my hand away and buried her head into my chest. "Don't do this to yourself, please Josh." She begged, her voice quivering but I could tell that she was trying to keep it as steady as she could. I sighed, stroking her hair and using my other hand to trace shapes along her lower back. She pushed me away and tried to regain her composure, hastily wiping her tears away and clearing her throat. I watched her move away from me and hopping off my bunk. Before she walked away she turned back toward me and looked at me with sad eyes. "Josh, please..." She whispered. I knew what she meant. And I wondered if I could do it. For her.
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