|1.||The French cannot be trusted||Read it Now|
|2.||Welcome to Middle Earth. Have you seen a ring anywhere?||Read it Now|
|3.||Snow White and the Seven Dwarves walk into a bar...||Read it Now|
|4.||“So it begins” . “Oh, no, wait. It begins … now!” . “Wait … NOW.” . “There we go.”||Read it Now|
|5.||It begins Now, actually. Y'know, the big battle.||Read it Now|
|6.||Sticks and Stones may break my bones but Lasers can burn me to death.||See below|
|7.||Have you been annoyed, at work, or in Hyperspace? Call Jedi Direct, and we will qoute you happy||Read it Now|
|8.||Happy Fun Times aboard the Christmas Space Ship||Read it Now|
|9.||Satanic Santa Sacrifice||Read it Now|
|10.||Showdown||Read it Now|
|Sticks and Stones may break my bones but Lasers can burn me to death.|
|The smell of blood and smoke lingered in the air as the group of friends made their way through the battle field back to the fortress, occasionally stopping to laugh at dying Uruk-Hai. Just as they were clambering up the walkway, a look out cried in fear. Everyone turned to look where he was pointing, and every single jaw in the valley dropped. Marching through the smoke at the end of the valley came an ATAT - one of the giant, four legged vehicles from the snowy battle scene in Star Wars. They were incredibly tall, and their giant heads swung towards the combined forces of Helms Deep. Once again, it was Theodin who took command. |
“Reform the line! Reform the line”, he shouted, with an edge of fear in his voice. He repeated his order, and the friends stood at the gates watched as a few hundred horsemen turned to face the ATAT. The ground was now shaking with the weight of the gigantic machine, and the horses neighed in terror. With a tiny trumpet blast, the horsemen charged the forwards. As they neared the ATAT, it’s giant, double barrelled laser cannons opened up. Most of the horsemen were instantly vaporised, vanishing into red mist in the blink of an eye. The remainder swarmed around the legs of the giant machine, throwing spears that bounced off it. From various windows and firing positions, Storm Troopers in white armour began shooting down at the Riders of Rohan, picking them off. Theodin himself was crushed beneath a huge, mechanical foot. With their king dead, the small group that remained fled from the valley.
The spectators in the fort now shivered in fear as the mighty head of the ATAT swung towards them. There was a brief flash, then the lasers began pounding the walls, vaporising everything. The small group of friends ran for cover in the battle field, but a rain of rocks, broken bodies and dust smothered them. Timmy fell to the floor as a large chunk of masonry cracked against his skull. He looked up from the ground as the entire of the fort was destroyed, and Storm Troopers flew over on Jet Bikes. Gradually, his vision faded, and he fell into unconsciousness.
Onboard the ATAT stood a tall, menacing figure. It was none other than Darth Vader. He stood with his arms folded, his breath hissing from his helmet. He observed the melted ruin of Helms Deep and chuckled to himself. A Storm Trooper ran up and asked permission to speak, Vader merely nodded.
“Thank you sir, but we’ve picked up some survivors. One of them wants to speak with you.”
“Kill all the survivors who seem to have reached full adulthood, keep the younger ones alive. I will meet the one who wishes to speak with me, bring him to the top of the ATAT.”, hissed Darth Vader.
“Yes sir, right away sir”, affirmed the Trooper, instantly turning away to carry out the commands. Vader walked over to the stairs leading to the top of the ATAT, and stepped out into the cold wind. He stood on the ATAT’s back, hundreds of feet above the ground.
Shortly, a white robed figure was brought before him. The man seemed old, and had a white beard. He carried a white staff, and stood out very differently from the darkly dressed Vader.
“So, you are a servant of the Enemy. The great Eye has gained more power than I could have imagined.”, said the old man, with sorrow in his eyes.
“I do not know of this eye that you speak of, I have come to this world seeking a group of young people. The Force is strong in this band of friends, I have come to bring them to the Dark Side”, answered Vader, his breath hissing as usual.
“Bah! Servant of the enemy, if you will have me killed, do it yourself. I fear not death, I have slain worse than you in my time”, replied Gandalf. Vader nodded, and motioned to the Storm Troopers. They left, except one who didn’t quite get the message. Vader grew angry, and pushed at the Storm Trooper with the Force, sending him screaming over the edge of the ATAT.
Gandalf looked impressed, and grasped his staff (not in a sexual way). Without further words, Vader activated his Light Sabre. Gandalf looked afraid, and the battle began. Gandalf immediately attempted to push Vader back with his magic. Vader ignored the petty spell, and picked Gandalf up with the Force. He threw him high in the air, and smashed him down onto the ATAT, with a loud crunch. Gandalf struggled to rise, but was lifted again and smashed into the metal back of the ATAT once more. Vader smiled grimly under his mask, and walked over to the broken Wizard. He picked him up by his throat and laughed cruelly in his face, then slashed down with his Light Sabre, severing Gandalf’s arm.
The old wizard cried out in pain, and leapt back. He stood on the edge of the ATAT, and made as if to jump.
“You are a powerful adversary, but you will not take my life this day, though you may have taken my arm”, gasped Gandalf. And with that, he leapt from the giant robot. It appeared as though Gandalf had killed himself, but then there was a loud, piercing shriek, and Gandalf appeared, on the back of a giant Eagle. The Wizard laughed as he flew away to freedom.
Vader growled, and raised his arm, calling upon the Force. With a confused squawk, the Eagle was pulled back to the side of the ATAT, with Gandalf still grasping onto it’s back. Vader pulled the Eagle closer with the Force, and began smashing it against the side of the ATAT. Eventually, he let the lifeless bird drop, along with the barely alive Wizard.
Both Eagle and Wizard smashed into the floor, and were squashed like insects underneath one of the ATAT’s giant feet.
Vader smiled darkly, and sheathed his Light Sabre. Looking over the edge of the giant machine, down onto the red smear on the floor, he chuckled.
“Sucks to be you”, he said, and walked back inside the ATAT.
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