Bebo

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	Two Minutes
	Two minutes can feel like a very long time. It can be the most important two minutes of your life and feel like it’s lasting an eternity. At least that’s what Ann-Marie thought. She sat on the floor of her bathroom with her legs crossed, her heart beating loudly and trembling fingers tapping a rhythm on her knees. She tried counting the seconds before sighing loudly and reaching towards the upside down pregnancy test in front of her. She held it in front of her for a moment, taking deep breaths and trying to calm her nerves. She couldn’t be, could she? She thought about the last year, how her career opportunities had started to escalate, she was doing very well, getting promoted easily and becoming a highly paid and highly trusted member of staff. Her social life was less than perfect. Her partner of six years had left her without any warning and was now living with his new fiancée. Six years they had been together with no hint towards marriage, now it had taken his new girlfriend six months to get him to propose. She was still bitter about this and had spent some drunken nights trying to get over the rejection. At work she was professional and efficient, inside she was a mess of emotions. About six weeks ago, she had gone to a friend’s wedding, overcome at the thoughts of being alone forever, she drank too much champagne and spent the night in the best man’s room. This was way out of character for her and she left before he woke. She was so ashamed of herself that she had thrown herself wholly into her work afterwards, not leaving anytime for socialising. Punishing herself for her mistakes. Her close friends had worried about her, trying to set her up on various blind dates, all the while knowing that she wasn’t open to a new relationship. This was where her mistakes had gotten her, sitting on cold tiles, afraid to turn a white stick around. She wasn’t ready for a baby, especially now she was single. Slowly, she realised that if she didn’t have a baby soon, then she never would, time wasn’t exactly on her side. But they were so expensive, nappies, wipes, clothes, and a million other things they needed. What if she couldn’t breastfeed? What if she brought the baby home and didn’t have a clue what to do with it? What if it didn’t like her and cried when she touched it? Her stomach turned at the thought of failure. A child wasn’t like a job, things would happen unexpectedly and she was a planner, she didn’t like surprises. She would have to move into a bigger apartment, maybe even a house. What about work? She shook her head, what about it? That’s the career out of the window. Unless, they took her on with more flexible hours, maybe even part-time. She could probably afford part-time childcare and maternity leave was always getting longer anyway. There was a nice little primary school not far from her home, maybe she could enrol the child, and there was always a waiting list though so she would have to do that as soon as the child was born. But what about the father…does he need to know? She shuddered again, with embarrassment and regret, how could she tell him, she barely knew him. He was her friend’s younger brother, how could she have been so stupid and careless. She couldn’t ruin his life as well as hers, it wouldn’t be fair. But none of this seems fair anyway. She stood up suddenly. It was her responsibility and she had to face up to it. Setting her jaw determinedly, eyes squeezed shut; she slowly turned the test around with shaky, uncertain hands. She slowly opened one eye, quickly opened the second and stared at the test. Only one blue line. Just one. That was a negative response. So she wasn’t pregnant. She should be happy. So why was her stomach turning and a cold feeling of disappointment chilling her insides? She touched her belly at the slightly aching sensation overcoming her. She shook her head in disbelief. “What’s wrong with me?” she uttered aloud to an empty home, void of company or warmth. She shrugged her shoulders and stumbled into the kitchen to put on the kettle. How can someone so against having a child be so disappointed when they realise they aren’t having one? A sense of loss was completely overwhelming her. The thought occurred to her that maybe she did want a family and maybe she really did need company. She had worked herself so hard recently that she didn’t even give herself a chance to think about the future or her life. She knew now that she had to get over the past rejections and get on with her life. She had been living in limbo and the pregnancy scare was the wakeup call she needed. She wasn’t ready for a baby but she was ready to move on, be open to new relationships. She wanted to open the heart that she had closed to the rest of the world. A few weeks afterwards, she got a phone call from the best man. He had been trying to get her phone number since the wedding to apologise for his behaviour and to ask her out for a proper date. If he had asked the month before she would have said no without thinking. But things were different now; she was ready to live again and said yes immediately. She never regretted it.
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