Read Chapters

1.	I can feel your heart beat can you feel mine	Read it Now
2.	The choices that we make	Read it Now
3.	I love you	Read it Now
4.	I love you part 2 / To be someone else...	Read it Now
5.	I love you part 3 / A bond between parent and child	Read it Now
6.	I love you part 4 /what paradise gave to me	Read it Now
7.	I love you part 5/leaveing paradise	Read it Now
8.	I love you part 6/ trying to understand the lost	Read it Now
9.	I love you part 7/how can they not see my dieing heart	See below
10.	I love you part 8/the funeral the man i love has gone away but his loveing memiries will never fade.	Read it Now
11.	i love you //looking back at how it all started	Read it Now


	I love you part 7/how can they not see my dieing heart

	the preparation for the funeral. I must have been walking all day, because before I new what was happening I was standing on the sandy beach looking out at the sunset, and all I could think of was" how beautiful the sunset was" and soon it would dissapear; just like my father.The thought of how the most beautiful things in life appear, then dissapears keeps coming over and over again in my head as I sat in the dark; this strange feeling of dissapearing started comming to me as if fate was testing my faith in god and his plans for me. As I sat alone listening to the wind and the waves, I suddenly found myself talking to myself; asking the questions on "why my dad"? he was a good person he gave evrything up for his family, and his children. If this happens to good people?, then what was the point of becoming a good person,my parents have always brought us up to be good catholics, church every sundays and sometimes during the week, like all island familie`s god always come`s first. The church always come first, so why did he take my father?.. For the first time in my whole entire life, my faith and my belief`s were now being questioned..The more I ask myself these question`s the more I can feel my self losing faith.Everything my father and I did together kept comming to me like I was being reminded by some strange force, I was so angery with god that my heart was starting to lose the feeling of love; and my anger was turning to hate. I love my father so much that even thinking about carrying on living without him was unthinkable, I wanted to just sit and try and think about what my father would say to me right now!!.. right this minute; suddenly the wind became stronger and cold, I could feel the frost on my face then for some reason this great warmth, suddenly brushed through my body as if someone was rapping me in his arms with a wooly blanket,then this soothing of kindness touched my heart like he was saying to; search my soul and don't lose faith. Once again I put my hands over my face and started to cry out loud, "why my father?". I knew I had to go home sometime, but now I was too scared, because my mother would never understand the fact that I just got up, and left in the morning and come home at night.samoan parents love their children so much but never understands them; even such as a loss of a loved one. We can never think of ourselve`s, it must be for the good of the family name or nothing. So to do what I did as a young samoan girl; family and friends will see me as an undissabline girl, and should be punnished in a savere way, I knew I had to go home. So I walked to the phone booth to call my older brother john to come get me. John arrived and I was afraid that he would be angry, My older brother is so humble that he could never raise his voice; but the silent`s told me that he was angry. We arrived home and there were people every where; people who I have never met before. The family members that were there stared, then yelling at me where have I`ve been; don't I even care that my father just died. And all I could think of was yes!!!.. "with all my heart I care, and I died right along with him". As all the elders of the family laid into me for my dissrespectfulness behaviour; all I could feel were the tears running down my face, the pain that my heart was feeling is nothing to how my soul was dying inside and how no one can see this. The samoan ways is so hard, that for girls no matter how close they are to their parents, when things such as funerals occurs; we must act according to the ways we were brought up and not by matters of the heart. As we waited for love one`s to arrive from samoa for the funeral; people were comming from all around New Zealand to pay their respect, and this is done by them bringing fine matts, money and in returned the "Matai" (chief of the family) acceps with respect and returns it with a gift of more fine matts and money.This is our custom`s this is call the "fa'a samoa"..(The Samoan way). This goes on until the funeral`s actually finshed. So the whole ordeal is so over powering. As the only daughter, my part was so full on that half of the time I did`nt even know what I was doing.The preparation for my father`s funeral was so sad that at times I thought I was going to pass out or even break down.There were people everywhere and most of them I never even new we were related. The Samoan culture is so strong that when things such as this happen`s everyone comes together. And while everyone was busy doing one thing or another all I could think about was `where were all of these people when my father was alive?`,shouldn't they have all come together to celebrate his life instead of comming to see him on his final journey. My fathers beloved sisters have arrived and they had brought news that my grandmother had heard about the passing of her loved son; and was taking the news hard, my heart started weeping for my grandmother, for she didn't just lose her son to another country; she has now lost her son forever. But to think all these things and have no one that would understand, I can't tell you how lonely that feels,it was at this time that I made a promise to my self that if I ever have children I will always be willing to listen and to try and understand, because at this point in time I felt like I was all alone, even with all these people around me looking at me hugging me saying how sorry they were; I still felt all alone with my broken heart and my dying soul, as the days got closer to my fathers family service; my pain became stronger and stronger. I can feel myself trying to run away from this ordeal, to put on a strong front for my mother was starting to take affect on me, as my mother called me into her bed room to try on my clothe`s for mass; I looked at my mother in hoping that she would be able to see my pain. to see my heart and how its suffering. As I stood infront of the mirror looking at all these black clothes: I found myself thinking about how fitting the colour was to how I'm feeling this dark and empty feeling was haunting me, and it was starting to scare me.The next evening was my fathers family service and the sadness was all around me that all I wanted to do was to run away, anywhere as long as it wasn't here. As we sat next to our mother the choir started singing and as I looked over to my mother I couldn't see the colour of her eyes for they were covered in tears, how lonely my mother looked; how my heart was trying to reach out to her, how I wanted her to reach out to me. As the family service was comming to an end; everyone was going over to pay their respect for the last time. My brothers and I stayed close to our mother as she started to cry out loud, her voice had this heart breaking sadness that made me weep beyond my control. The thought of my father being around one more day was unbearable; my head kept thinking about how am I going to handel saying goodbye to my beloved dad the next day?....



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