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Danny Short <DannyS756>

"A second on the brain makes for a lifetime insane!"

	Some Punctuation - On the Buses	599 dni temu
	Hey hey, I'm back with a NON-music based blog, its a bit random but also (hopefully!) funny. It's part of what could end up being a series if well received (working title - Some Punctuation) Why is the seat next to me on the bus always the last one to be filled? I only really noticed the phenomenon a while ago, on my way into London for another delightful data entry assignment (I prefer to call them 'assignments', because, pathetically, it makes me feel like James f*****g Bond). Being car-deficient and too lost in my own little fantasy world to pass my driving test, I have to get the bus, and you know how people complain that they always have to sit next to the weirdo on the bus? I have a funny FEELING(key word lol) I AM the weirdo. I can't understand why(bet you can though...). Let me try to describe someone else I saw on the bus recently. She, for I presume it was female, had a shaven head but for a forelock at the front. She wore eyeshadow to such a degree that it looked like Cleopatra(or modern equivalent) had tried to clumsily apply her make-up with a black permanent marker while drunk. She had on a spiked dog collar er... thing, and I don't mean the sort priests wear, and her ears were so stuffed full of bits of metal and plastic she could probably qualify as a Dalek(if she had a REALLY long nose I would have been slightly nervous despite sitting a whole three rows behind her). Her wrists were buried in bracelets, ranging from studded metal to the sort of plastic thing you get in Christmas crackers(or fancy to cheap if you prefer). She wore a black t-shirt with a red Anarchy-esque symbol. And just to round off the whole ensemble, a goddamn Bob the Builder backpack. I estimated her age at just shy of 30. My point is,that during the journey when the option came up to either sit next to her or me, oncoming passengers went to HER first. Now, let me describe myself. Handsome/Rugged/Average English fellow in sensible attire up top and blue jeans, with perfectly normal(for want of a better word) generic black nike bag(not a handbag!). Sensitive hair with surfer boy styling. Looks kind of pale but well nourished. Fairly tall. Full, womanly lips(as opposed to manly, chapped, split lips). You know, going over that description, I have realised the(read an) answer. Other passengers clearly think I am the vampire Nosferatu(go to wikipedia NOW!), who will pounce and devour their precious crimson as soon as we go into a tunnel/under a bridge/as soon as night falls. Anyway. There seems to be some kind of unspoken etiquette when sitting next to a stranger on a bus. I can only presume this has gone on for many many years, since the time when all the cavemen would climb aboard a big mammoth and ride to the caveman commercial district(use a less generic example if it makes you feel better). If you are sitting on the window seat and a stranger sits next to you, you must immediately take a lively interest in the scenery going past outside. Similarly, if you're on the other seat, you must discover that the floor is suddenly a wonderful world of discovery and magic which you must watch earnestly. This is because, as is well known, looking at someone who is sitting next to you instantly means that you are in love with them and want to bury your face in their (apparantly) delicious buttocks. If you do accidentally glance at them, glance around at the rest of the bus, too, so they either assume you are glancing around idly or that you are a total whore(because everyone is as paranoid as you). Secondly, never allow your knees to touch. Always make sure both of you are sitting at angles away from each other, because when your knee touches someone else's knee, it means you are gay(to the larger demographic at least). Unless the other person is of the opposite sex, in which case it means you are a rapist/pedophile. Thirdly, no talking. You can talk to the people you sit next to on aeroplanes, because you're all on a magical voyage of discovery(seriously if you think "flying" is "natural" you've got 'proper' problems ... lol I jest people can't help being different). Talking to people on the bus in the morning on the way to work is not allowed, for the same reason that French aristocrats did not make conversation as they were carted up to the guillotine. Conversation with the stranger sitting next to you is permitted only under the following conditions: 1. You have to get off the bus and he/she is in your way. 2. You suspect the stranger to be an old school friend, long lost relative, celebrity, or the Scarlet Pimpernell(or in very rare and specific cases all of the previous). 3. You have just noticed a gremlin on the side of the bus, gleefully removing rivets from the hubcaps. 4. The bus has been transported to the magical land of Narnia(or Mordor for you LOTR buffs!), and both you and the stranger have been assigned to the scout party. Even then, your conversation should be limited only to expressing a sudden urge for Turkish Delight(or Elderberries!), and pointing out how strange it is that all the animals are talking perfect English(or that there are hobbits and talking, walking trees!!!). 5. The stranger has mistakenly sat in your lap(actually this one depends almost entirely on gender of you and stranger lol). Anyway thats it (awwww) hope you liked and GIVE FEEDBACK(comments section is there for a reason.
	opublikowane przez Danny Short

2 komentarze:

	Jaddius mówi…	598 dni temu
	I guess you only truly appreciate the views of the outside of the bus window when the seat next you is occupied. Of course in my case, Coney Hall, Hayes, Orpington, Bromley, Elmers End, West Wickham, Croydon etc all have awe inspiring views such as Thai Elephant, The Swan, City Limits, Bromley Grill, Walnuts Centre etc lol. How long has this outflow of opinion been built up inside of you or is this something that has only recently occurred to you?
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	Danny Short mówi…	598 dni temu
	In response to Jaddius I quote myself " I only really noticed the phenomenon a while ago" lol you got owned. Seriously though there are more sites and sounds in London besides the journey was/is/will always be that much longer and further more most of this blog can be applied to Trains though with the Tube they are different/worse hazards/periods of social awkwardness/tunnels and thus a blog about 'those things' would take a different and probably more angry shape but thanks for getting first comment and actually not going "FIRST COMMENT!!! LOLOL !!1!1 1" or something equally stupid.
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