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Jon McCabe <jonpatrickmcabe>

	It's been a while...ain't it.	544 jours il y a
	It's been a while since i wrote on here so I'm just gonna write my thoughts down. Not sure I should be sharing my deepest thoughts with the WWW but hey ho... not really sure what else to do. well since we have been back from travelling i have been whining to go again.. got a new job in a hotel in wicklow which has caused more agro than its worth. james feels as if i work too much and so does everyone around me. no-one seems to understand i just wanna be sucessful. I wanna be someone to be proud off. I feel like i need to be he provider, the person my ''step-kids'' can look up to. perhaps even help a few people with ptential on the way... my social life has been completly whiped out and i have been missing my life in the uk like crazy... keep dreaming about it. old times, good times and bad... what do these dreams mean?? do they mean i should move back... but where would that leave James and me... life without him would in-fact be unbearable. I cant see him moving to the uk... He's a real home-boy. He's has his whole family and his kids here... but then the only people i have ever called family are in the uk... whats the answer????? I have not made many ''real'' friends here... not like the ones i have back in the uk, but i think thats my own fault... I know im unwilling to open up, my true friends have been there through thick and thin and i would never want to lose tham or insult them with an ''irish replacement''... could and would never happen... but again, what is the answer... i sometimes wonder what the meaning of life is... why are we here?? why do we cry?? why do we live at all if its not to be happy?? but what happens when the two worlds are so far apart how can we be complete... does one have to be left behind and the other pursued?? or will they ever come together to provide complete harmony?? what will happen when one day it's all over?? will my essence float away and think...''good job done, you made a difference'' or will it think ''what a crock of shit that was''??? after the black years of my younger life, i feel like i should be doing more, but there just aint enough hours in the day... why do i push myself so hard?? do i need to? i sometimes think about my mum and siblings... and about how close they are. my mum is the most wonderful person in the world and we have always had a special bond... and always will... i do wish however that my siblings and i had a closer relationship... perhaps its because of my darkest years or the fact that i am gay... i will never know. perhaps its because i moved to the uk in a wake of family turmoil cause by yours truely... perhaps perhaps perhaps... I will never know. I have always been proud of all my brothers, and would do anything fr them.. from chris to wayne... i love them dearly... why is that love not returned?? why do i long for their approval?? why do i need it? I often think about people who want to win the lottery... what do they think it will achieve?? material wealth is nothing in comparison to ''real love'' of many dimensions... and as the beatles said, money cant buy you love... so why do we pray our whole lives to a god no-one has ever seen, because we want to win the lottery??? i feel as if i have already won the lottery... superb mother, fantastic fiance and true friends i would kill or die for... aint that the jackpot of life??? I went to see an old collegue/friend today... she had a baby 5 months ago, what a beautiful child... my friend used to be the party animal of dublin city in good ways and bad... but there's something my visit today thought me... there's hope for us all and something as special as bareing your own child will change your life forever... thats a feeling i yearn for but will never experience... why was i born gay with a want for children... wouldn't it be selfish to bring a child into the a world that would frown upon him/her from birth... why cant the world be as open minded as me?? why can't i be a DAD...i think i would be a great father, any fool can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father. society teaches us what is right from wrong...but so many of us break the rules and frown upon others who do the same... why do we judge so quickly and dread being judged?? why cant we all just be open to the possibilities that surround us... we all have needs and wants, why cant we just be ourselves and not worry about what our pers think.... as a gay man people expect me to be funny and camp... sometimes i play that card but other times i just think ''FUCK OFF''... i am what i am... i need make no excuses or apolagies to any-one... why do we need our peers approval??? whats it all about... why are we here, why do we care, why do we need approval... why why why... i would appreciate if anyone who reads this takes it for what it is... just my thoughts... Thanks for Listening. xxxxxx
	posté par Jon McCabe

4 commentaires:

	Trica K a dit...	Il y a 544 jours
	just had a read ov ur thaughts john, tears first, then a smile, glad to c there is real ppl out there n ur one ov them. thanks 4 sharen ur thaughts wit us..
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	Amanda Adams a dit...	Il y a 543 jours
	Hey Jon , just read your blog and have to say found it emotional to read. i have wonderful memories of you as a little lad , so affectionate with an amazing talent for dance .you had such a zest for life and always had a big smile on your face , I had happy times in your house in Tallaght on weekends & summers and especially going to your dance shows . you were a little star !( still are ) so it saddens me to think how unhappy you felt. when you were going through your blackest days , im so sorry none of the family were there for you. I was so appauled by what was going on , i just distanced myself from it & used work and Darrin as away of distracting myself from what was going on in my own family! when you went to England im sorry we didnt keep in touch , as it was the worse case of out of sight , out of mind , ever again so sorry. i have to say your thought very highly of in this house & im always telling everyone about noeleens 6 boys, all so individual and unique . luv mandy
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	Lorraine Martin a dit...	Il y a 467 jours
	jon, just read your blog! You were always a shining star growing up, adored by all of us! can still see you and fiona doing the two hand reel! ha ha... stop looking for approval mister! i am sure everyone adores you! love, lorraine.
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	Fiona Martin a dit...	Il y a 457 jours
	hey jon just read ur thoughts, i have always loved u to bits and i always will. u were my best friend growing up, i know i was a bitch!! i love u soooooooo much, i will kill u for making me cry.. u mean the world to me.. xxxxxxxxx
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