Bebo

Jeffrey Bailey <avinrider>

	"Sheath my aching heart in ice"	594 dni temu
	I haven’t blogged in a while. I have not exactly been avoiding it, but I know that if I write, I will feel, and I’ve been trying hard not to do too much of that lately. I left my home, my family, my children in early November. Although I called the very next week to try to work out an arrangement to see the children, on some kind of visitation, I have not been allowed to see them yet. There are promises made, as soon as they move I will be allowed to see them, it’s not a good time right now maybe later, etc. But I am becoming more and more convinced that it will not happen. For the first three months the man whom I had called brother for years, lied to both me and her about the conversations we had in an attempt to keep me from being able to see my children. When I finally threatened to pursue legal action she called me and has been promising ever since to allow me to see them as soon as they move. Unfortunately that move date has been moved back over and over again. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it brings me almost to tears at random points throughout my day. Anything can trigger them, a song, a laugh, seeing a father with his daughter at the store, a random comment by a friend…anything. I do not let the tears come. I will not permit myself to break down at work. I cannot let go enough around friends. And when I am alone, I am cold…dead inside. I do what I enjoy so I do not think about the emptiness I feel where my children should be. I try not to think about how much I miss them and how much it hurts to be actively kept from them by those who should be caring about them above all else. And they accuse me of not thinking about the children first. They think that by not allowing me to see them that they are protecting them. That my being in their lives at all would be too traumatic for them. And my being gone, them feeling like I abandoned them is better!?! Sadly I think she actually believes it. I truly think that she believes what she says. So I have a difficult time fighting that. As for him, he is trying to get revenge for my taking away his ability to disappear. I took away his cushy existence and he’s angry. So each day passes and I try a little harder not to feel any more…it’s taking its toll. I have no energy, I am tired all the time even after a full night’s sleep. My dreams are plagued with thoughts and images of my children and the bad things that could happen, both in reality and in terrible fantasy. I cannot focus, I cannot concentrate on anything. All of my will is being directed into making sure I cannot feel, making sure I can continue to function every day. Sadly, I know where this is going. I know where those emotions are, and it’s not a happy place. I know what will happen if they ever escape my control. And I fight every day to make sure that day does not come.
	opublikowane przez Jeffrey Bailey