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Kord <kordspace>

"kordas"

	Visiting the Land Beyond the Sea	821 days ago
	Bonnie lads / Loons. The time is nigh for your monthly outing to the land beyond the sea. Here are a few words of guidance to ensure that you all return safely. Firstly, as you will know, only the good are permitted to undertake this venture. Qualification pre-requisites are determined by the “Chopper Fairy” when she visits you as you sleep the night before departure. If you have been good and worked hard without winging at the gaffers, she will arrange passage on the sky vehicle known as “The chopper” the very same day you awaken. If however you have been a bit of a “Rascal” or indeed a “Scallywag” You may find your plans thwarted by a blanket of fog until such times you show true remorse and can take no more of the daytime television programmes designed to inflict great pain and mental fatigue upon you for your misdemeanours. This can last many hours but has been known to last for several days for the truly wicked. Once “The Chopper” has left our institution, you will go into the trance which is induced by “The Chopper” Trolls who fly these aircraft and cast a spell just before take off. But worry not, this is a short spell and the Head Troll utters the words that lift the spell around five minutes before arrival in the land beyond the sea. The land beyond the sea offers many delights for the offshore tribe namely beer, fish suppers and creatures known as women. These are usually attended to in that order although some of the offshore tribe, who have regular relationships with the same woman while they visit, are often too afraid to incur the wrath of said women and these tribesmen go straight to a place called home. A word of warning regarding this type of woman: This type of woman (sometimes nicknamed “the wife”) is extremely cunning. She will pretend that she is glad and excited to see you. But beware; this is a ploy to get her hands on the monthly sheckels known as “the wages” or “mapay”. She will ply you with beer and good food (usually a fish supper) then lay on her back and offer good hormonal service for a day or two at the most. Usually the offshore tribesman’s resistance is low after going many days without such service that he will gladly offer her all his possessions and sheckels. Once she has her hands on your wages or mapay, you are at her mercy. If you need more of the beer it will be at her discretion for the rest of your trip and you will feel truly miserable. Usually the hormonal needs of the tribesman go out the window with the wrappings of the fish suppers and they have to wait till they return to the institution so that they can attend to these matters themselves in the peace and harmony of the cabin. It is much more advisable to stay with the young tribesmen known as “the boys” these boys are the true essence of the offshore tribe and go straight to places called pubs, boozers, nightclubs, knocking shops and Thailand at their earliest opportunity. The boys have not forgotten the teachings of the many tribesmen who have gone before them and sneakily avoid the ones nicknamed the wife by telling lies, doing runners or just being blitzed all the time. (blitzed is the state of euphoria one achieves after mastering the beer drinking techniques of the offshore tribesman) Alternatives to such women are as follows: Knocking Shops: A different type of woman known as a Tart or Slag is found on these premises. These women are the friends of the offshore tribesman and will listen for hours on end whilst you pour out your many troubles to her and she will offer sound advice and council such as “get a grip man” “ don’t worry about it” or “ach never mind, Just get blitzed “ She will then satisfy your hormonal needs for a fraction of the cost of the ones nicknamed the wife and you can return as often as you like providing you still have sheckels. (Be aware that if you procure these services under false pretence, i.e. no sheckels, you will find yourself being interviewed by a tall dark stranger or in more recent times a person of similar build named Ivan, You will then be ejected from the knocking shop and banished never fit to return). Thailand This is a magical place on the other side of the land beyond the sea which has been designed and crafted solely for the young offshore tribesmen. It contains many pubs, boozers and knocking shops. Here tarts and slags are in abundance and they have mastered the art of sharing one tribesman between two or three slags at the same time. This is truly a great experience and quite inexpensive at today’s market rates. (Quotes available on request) These tarts and slags are not great communicators but all you need to know is that when they utter the phrase “loveyoulongtime” you are in business. (Beware as some of these delectable slags also have a male under carriage and will deceive you if you do not feel before you buy). Permanently Mingin Some of the older tribesmen usually adopt this route to avoid the ones nicknamed the wife. Indeed many will have had up to half a dozen of such creatures before catching themselves on and fleeing the cunning ones. Unfortunately these tribesmen are broken men and are not fit for the Knocking shops and the only enjoyment left in life for these unfortunates is to get blitzed 24 hrs a day and cause as much hassle in the pubs and boozers as possible. Most do not wash and know everything there is to know about everything. This knowledge is accumulated by many years spent in the “tea shack” or “smoko” which as everyone knows are the nerve centres and knowledge libraries of our institutions. After one or two weeks you will naturally begin to feel withdrawal symptoms from institution life and will yearn to get back. The feet will become itchy and you will feel irritable and ratty. Women, tarts and slags will start to annoy you especially when they talk. These symptoms generally subside once you get your check-in time confirmed and you can rest assured knowing that soon you will be back to normality on the institution and knowing that next months sheckels will be available. Those who have planned their trip well to the land beyond the sea usually have just enough sheckels left for some beer drinking on the night before they come back but will never admit this as their friends who have spent all of theirs, will try to muscle in and this means not as much for the individual who planned well. Take care and enjoy your monthly trip to the Land beyond the Sea, remembering to avoid those who would pose as friends to get you to buy all the beer in the pub for non tribesmen. See you in a few weeks Offshore Health and Safety.
	posted by Kord

1 Comment:

	Kord said...	785 days ago
	Offshore health and safety forgot to warn me about phone calls from my land based friends inviting me to poker nights on my arrival to the land beyond the sea. they plot together to try and get my shakels but forgot that i played offshore and have the skills to fight to the death in the final game (4 hours long and left me only £5 down for the night)
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