unravelling emotions <unravelling-emotions>
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 | </3 - I don't want | 442 Tage her | |
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| I'm feeling so unwell; won't you pretend to care just a little bit? When they put me to sleep, I And when I wake up, I You used to hold my hand every little step of the way because I was an incapable jerk who couldn't walk her own life alone. You used to be there to say, to reassure me that everything was going to be okay, because I couldn't find the courage in myself to believe it. But tell me, please, now that you're gone, who's going to be the one to tell me all those manipulating lies? Who's going to lie to me, to tell me that time changes everything; that it'll heal the aches and the wounds? Nobody, because time has passed one too many times, and I'm still in the same old pain; caught in the same state of mind. I'm sorry to have trusted you not to hurt me. I'm sorry to have believed every word of your lies. I'm sorry I'm not your friend. But most importantly, I'm sorry for writing a blog of lies. | |||
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| 17o8o8; 2233 | 472 Tage her | |
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| "Guess you never really notice what you got until you finally realise she could be gone..." Jesse McCartney - That Was Then I constantly feel anger and frustration building up from within me. I constantly feel my hands forming the shape of unwanted fists, but I'm never really able to punch my frustrations upon that wall standing over there. What if I hurt it? What if I hurt myself? It's something that I can't bring myself to do. And what if people cast an unwanted stereotype upon my unspoken name because they realise how incapable I am? What if they find out? What if they don't understand it like she might've? Self control; it's what's separating my pride from my insecruties. My head is so all over the place. My mind is here, but my heart's way over there. I don't really know what I want, because what I want isn't what everybody thinks I need. They disapprove. They disagree with the idea altogether. It's so frustrating to want something so much that my heart breaks over and over again, yet still be wise enough to know that it'd be no good for me and my fragile state of mind. I can't understand any of it. Is it wisdom, or pure pride in the making? I just don't get it. Nobody knows, but sometimes I just want to scream out in the middle of the street, "Hey! I really miss you!" and hope you might hear me somehow. But common sense forbids me from the rather public embarassment. Sometimes, I want to call your mobile just to hear your voice say hello; just to know that you're still out there somewhere. But every time I go looking for your number, I realise that I've deleted it. I've completely erased it. So I get through the rest of the day, trying so hard to remember that number that once had your name. Then I remember that I still have all your text messages. Reading them, I try so hard not to cry, especially when I come by that text that read, "Hey, nothing ever stays the same. i'd give you a hug but you're so far away. hope you feel better soon. love you heaps." and that one that says, "i love you baby just remember that." I do remember it, I do. Question is, do you? But I guess what's worse is that sometimes, I want to catch a train to where you are, just so I can walk down your street, on the other side of the road, so that my memories won't fade away. There are so many things I would do, but can't because I restrict myself from looking like the weaker one. Two o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. The only thing to run through my mind is, "Is she okay? Does she still cry herself to sleep? Can she even sleep at night? How's her Mother? How's her family? How's everything been going? Will she ever let me back into her life again? Are we ever going to accidentally meet just like the other day?" Three o'clock, and I'm still thinking. Teardrops have already started forming in my eyes, but they never find the time to fall. I replay the same events of that day over and over again with a different ending each time. What if I had waved? What if I had said hello? What if I had introduced myself like a total stranger? What if we just started all over again? But what ifs are only what ifs... I can only imagine what you'd do, if I were to put my hand out and say, "Hi, I'm Linh. What's your name?" I can only use what you've told me and say that your heart would probably break at the insignificance of your name in the tone of my voice. But that's only what I want to happen. I want you to feel what I do. I want you to break apart, to regret the fact that I'm not there anymore. I want you to feel what I have to feel every day of my living life, because that's what you deserve. But that's mean and selfish for me to say. That's inappropriate, and although I sometimes wish that upon you, I can't bring myself to hate you anymore. You deserve so much more than what this life has given to you. You deserve so much more. Thirteen days until I turn sixteen. Thirteen days before I turn another year older. What's sad is that I'll be thinking of you. My heart will be breaking on my birthday, because I got to see you last year, but I don't even know you now. I'll sit by the phone, longing for a text. I'll sit by the phone, longing for a call. I'll check my empty inbox every thirty seconds or so, just to see if you remember. But that's just me being stupid. Me trying to get through yet another day without you. </3 Linh PS. The wounds have healed, but they've left behind a scar. We've run out of one last chances, but I haven't run out of hope. Come back now; come back tomorrow, the day after or even a year from now, and everything'll still be okay. Just say that you won't leave again, but don't promise it. "I watch you walk away, I didn't say the words I wanted to say. Now I'm sitting all alone, Thinking about the times I had you here to hold. Giving you my reason why, I feel this when we say goodbye. But I won't run around after you And you know what you found And you know i Everything changes when I see your smile So stay a little while. I miss you even more today Knowing that youre so far way" The Veronicas - Stay | |||
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| 30o7o8 - 1230AM | 491 Tage her | |
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| So it's 1230 AM, on a school night, and I haven't even attempted to sleep. My eyes are a little on the heavy side (tired), but they won't stay close for long enough. Not really sure why that is, so let's not ask. Lately, I've been all over the place, literally. Happy one moment, reminiscing the next. Before I know, I've got stupid tears rolling from my eyes (not literally). But I do think a lot, especially when I'm alone. And that's not good. That's not good at all. Truth is, I still sort of miss you. Think about you every now and then, but I bet you don't think of me at all, right? I'm just some shadow that used to be colourful, right? That's okay. I don't mind. I've learnt to live without you just as I jave learnt to smile like tomorrow will never come. It all comes with a little practice. I'm so stupid. But I tried to replace you, but nobody will be another you. And believe me, a lot of my friend dislike you very much, but I can't seem to find that hatred within my own heart. They weren't even the ones who got hurt! Emotions run wild every now and then. I miss you so much I want to cry. But then I miss you so much it doesn't hurt anymore. I don't really know what I feel, but what I do know is that, I am fine without you. Come back and maybe I'll let you in. If i can walk away from you in my daydream, what's there to say I can't in reality? <3 t t L | |||
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| In all honesty.. | 496 Tage her | |
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| I don't want to say that I miss you, because then maybe my pride will be diminished. I don't want to say I love you, because love isn't something I want to believe in. I don't want to say I still care, because then I'd feel obligated. But I also don't want to lie. I don't want to say I don't miss you just so my pride feels satisfied. I don't want to say I don't love you, because the truth is I really do. I don't want to say I don't care, because in all honesty, I still do. *Sigh* I miss you. Is that a crime? I care about you. Is that a sin? I love you. Does that make me a liar? No. If missing you was a crime, jail would be my second home. If caring about you was a sin, God would be sick of my confessions. The only thing that would make me a liar is the moment I say, "I need you". I don't need you. I don't need you at all. But I do want you near. I do want you here. ____ I won't beg for your friendship. I will not fall down to my knees and cry tears for you. I simply won't. I'm strong enough to know that I can live without you. I'm strong enough to know that you are now only a shadow of my life. And I will never regret a second that I had with you, because they are the memories worth cherishing. I can only wish you well, and let you be on your way. I can only send one message to say, "Come back again anytime." <3 t t L | |||
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| ~! decode? | 540 Tage her | |
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| I've been missing a heart, Since the day my world fell apart. Was never the kind to fall in love; Never wanted to hurt. So I chose friendship over romance. Thought I was invincible. Til that day, my friend, When everything had to end. I refuse to mend, All that I did not shatter. But that don't mean I won't try. And although I refuse to cry, Your words are still them old lies. Who are you To cause me so much misery? Who am I To want you like I do? I'd give the world, Just to have you back. Baby, you know I would. I'd give away my life, To take away the hurt I always feel. But Baby, I'd give up, Just to break free. | |||
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| 24o5o8 - UNTITLED (s1mpL1c1Ty song) | 557 Tage her | |
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| (Verse 1) So many mixed emotions With memories playing in my mind It's like a suffocating boundary Holding me back from where I wanna be It's like living in a world Where there's no meaning anymore (Bridge) Dont you know that im straying Without you there by my side? (Chorus) Although we've let it all go (It still hurts) I find myself still hanging on (So why'd you have to go?) We're only pieces of the jigsaw What are we when we're alone? (Verse 2) This can't be happening You leaving me behind. (When) As soon as you closed that door My world came crashing down Days and nights I think of you Nights and days I'm missing you | |||
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| 11th May | 570 Tage her | |
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| Suddenly, I've got a stupid thought in my mind. I tremble, and the world knows I'm waek. I cry, and the world sees my insecurities. I'm an emotional wreck, lying to myself to escape the imperfections of being human. Everybody knows something's up, and though I lie, they know; they see right through. "I'm fine." "No, you're not" They ask, "So what's wrong?" But I don't know how to reply. What I hide I do not know. It has the power to break me; but it is the only thing that'llmake me stronger. It holds me back. It makes me doubt more than ever. It makes me think of what I know is wrong. It's killing me inside. But I can't tell anyone/ It's my own secret. The world can never know... I'm trying to fit somebody into my world. Trying to make space for them in my life. But I feel that the more I try, the more I start to lose myself. My heart starts to break for no reason at all. And I feel angry deep inside. It's worse than stained bruises on her skin. It's worse than sorrow wept from the eyes. I'm trying, but it's worthless. I'm only cahsing a shadow, and I'm tired. I'm tired. Baby; I love you. It's all I can say. You can believe me, or doubt me, but nothing'll change the way I look at you. You've helped to make me who I am. But I'm still only a minor in your world. You won't let me close enough to hurt you. But I've let you so near that you've murdered me countless times over. it hurts to know you'll never understand we've lost ourselves to the past who are you? who am i? who are we? | |||
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