Blog

Cathal Dervan <winkdervan>




	Michael O Muirheartaigh	4/22/07

	The Michael O Muirheartaigh specials: ". . . and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newstand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?' He had both . . . so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet . . ." "Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down . . . his people are undertakers" "I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey. Forty yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Dublin's Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, it's a goal! So much for religion." "Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. It's over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery." "1-5 to 0-8 . . . well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language." "Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now . . . but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail . . . I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!" "I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork, sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae." "Teddy looks at the ball . . . the ball looks at Teddy" "Danny 'The Yank' Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well." "He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50 . . . he's on the 40 . . . he's on the 30 . . . he's on the ground." "In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball." "He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a point . . . it went wide." "Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly . . . Stephen, one of 12 . . . all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house . . . and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce . . ." "Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21, fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide . . . and the dog lost as well." "Sean Og O Hailpin . . . his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold." "Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation."

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	HOMER	2/14/07

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	Borat	12/28/06

	Borat: [to American Audience] We support your war of terror. Borat: [while driving] Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her? And maybe make a sexy time with her? Driving Instructor: No no no no no no Borat: A why not? Driving Instructor: Because, a woman has the right to choose who she has sex with. Borat: [stunned] WHAT?... You joke? Driving Instructor: It must be consent. How bout that? Borat: [turns to Instructor, pauses] Ahahahahaha! Driving Instructor: That's good, huh? Borat: [pause] ... is not good for me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Azamat: [arguing with Borat] What's in California? Borat: [making it up] Pearl Harbor is there... So is Texas. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: We just a couple of pimps, no ho's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem, too: economic, social and Jew. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: Pamela! I no find you attractive anymore!... NOT! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dinner host: I'm calling the police! Borat: Why you call police? The retard escape? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: Go kids! Smash the Jew chick before it hatches! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: What kind of dog is this? Zookeeper: It's a tortoise. Borat: Is it a cat in a hat? Zookeeper: No... it's a tortoise in a shell. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: [narrating] He insist we not fly, in case the Jews repeated their attack of 9/11. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: He is my neighbor, Nushuktan Tulyiagby, he is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock-radio, he cannot afford. Great success! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat Sagdiyev: What kind of car can I buy that attract woman with shaved vazh�n? Car Dealership owner: That would be a Corvette. Or a Hummer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat Sagdiyev: I will look on your treasures, gypsy. Is this understood? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Azamat: [points to two cockroaches] The Jews have shifted their shapes! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: Do Jesus love my neighbor, Nusultan Tulyakbay? Pentecostal church pastor: Yes, Jesus loves your everyone. Borat: Nobody like my neighbor Nusultan Tulyakbay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: I arrived in America's airport with clothings, U.S dollars and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: We need somewhere to park our black asses for the night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Borat: You are my friend? Driving Instructor: You're a nice young man and yes, I am your friend. Borat: You be my boyfriend? Driving Instructor: No, I won't be your boyfriend. Borat: Why not? Driving Instruc

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	simpsons quotes	10/5/06

	Simpson's Quotes I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun Homer Simpson I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas Bart Simpson I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood Homer Simpson I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman Homer Simpson If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the numbers Homer Simpson It is better to watch things then to do them. Homer Simpson Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV Homer Simpson Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania' or 'teria Homer Simpson Homer, I don?t want to leave Springfield. I?ve dug myself into a happy little rut here and I?m not about to hoist myself out of it Marge Simpson I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet? Grampa Simpson I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T! Homer Simpson Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos Homer Simpson Lisa: Bart, do you realise what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die! Grampa: Ehhh, welcome to my world. Grampa Simpson Marge, don?t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It?s what separates us from the animals ? except the weasel Homer Simpson Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen Homer Simpson Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something? Homer Simpson Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it? Homer Simpson Me Fail English? That's Unpossible! Homer Simpson Oh, so they have internet on computers now! Homer Simpson

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	You know your a GAA shaper when	6/21/06

	You wear white boots You are the only guy with tanned legs on the team in April You put gel in your hair before the game You have bleached hair or a ponytail You have to get a hair cut before every match You wear your collar up to your ears You have at least one life threatening injury per game You hang around outside the dressing room after a match (still togged out) looking for people to tell you how good you played You warm up looking into the crowd You wear the latest range in thigh supports, knee bandages, etc when in reality there's shag all wrong with you. You sulk every time you lose, you blame the pitch, the wind, the sun, the ball etc if you miss a chance (above all it was not your fault), you complain that the backs never play good ball to you (you are always a forward becuase they score (backs get no glory), probably wing or corner (because you can pick up a handy score there and also wave to the crowd)) and if the selectors knew anything (which they don't) they would make you captain. You insist on making yourself available for 2 championship matches on the same day You threaten to quit the team cause the manager won't pick your brother You wear your jersey over your togs and spend ages neatly fixing your socks before the game You make your own speech in the dressing room after the captain and mentors have made their speeches You leave in two soft goals...one dropped out of your hand....and you complain of a shoulder injury when trying to puck out the next couple of balls. You wear white boots,white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey. You walk to the dressing room at half time,while everyone else ran,take off your helmet and start fixing up your hair before you reach the sideline. You have something written on the bos of your hurley and showing in the team photograph before the game. When once a game, you get shouldered straight in the face and are flattened, by a player who just ran forty yards to get ya Come to think of it, a tan at any time of the year You keep running for 20-30 yards after getting a score even though you are about 5 yards from your position. Stick out the chest (PJ O Connell style) while walking over to hit a sideline/take a free. Your wearing the most expensive boots on the market and your the sub goalie. When you are looking to take all the free's back as far as your own halfback line When you wear shorts different from the rest of the team When you have to have the longest shorts on the field When you wear county togs instead of club togs (even if you just swopped for them or bought them) When your save your best for those long lunging stretches in front of the crowd When you have a different county or college match jersey every time you go training, with a number on the back. When you insist on wearing such jerseys over a long-sleeved top during the cold months.

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	GAA RULES	6/20/06

	HOLLY -- e.g. "I gave it holly"---I put a fair bit of effort into it. B0LLIX----Pat Spillane or any kerry players or supporters MIGHTY---Very good HAMES---A right ****e-e.g.-"He made a hames of that chance" TIMBER---Intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g.- "Show him some timber" LAMP----A good thump---e.g.-"I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet and lamped the full back" A CROWD---A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random acts of violence -e.g-Meath supporters SCHKELP---To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures -- e.g. "That whore from Tipp took a schkelp outta me leg" HATCHET MAN---Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts BULLIN'---Angry-e.g-"The centre half was bullin' after I lamped him" BULL THICK---Very angry-e.g.-"The centre half was bull thick after I lamped him again" JOULT---A push-e.g.-"I gave him ! a joult and he has to wear a neck brace for 2 weeks" THE COMM-A-TEEE---Local GAA bullshitters in general BUSHTED---An undefined soreness-e.g.-"Jayz me arm is bushted" THE BOMBER---Popular name for a fat hairy GAA player A HANG SANGWIDGE---Consumed with "tay" on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of butter RAKE-A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before an important match INDANAMAJAYSUS (in-da-nama-Jaysus)--! -What was that for referee? YA B0LLIX YA---Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent LEH-IT-IN-TA-FcuK-WUD-YA---Full forwards appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass MULLOCKER---Untidy or awkward player released for matches BURST THE B0LLIX---Instructions from the sideline to tackle your man ROW---Disagreement involving four or more players MASSIVE ROW---Disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, substitutes and supporters jumping fences ALL-HELL-BROKE-LOOSE---A massive row that continues out in the parking area or dressing room areas, usually resolved by the Gardai

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Bebo