Naas <CountyNaas>
"Break Your Face"
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 | The Famous Liverpool Treble | 628 dni temu | |
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| The year is 2020, and little Tommy scouser is sitting around the DVTV multiplayer unit as his dad Tommy scouser is reminiscing about the great Liverpool sides of the past. "Tell me about the treble winning year dad" says Tommy jnr "Agh the treble winners, now that was a team, Westerveld, Henchoz, Heskey, all wonderfully skilled players... a great side... up there with your Dagleish's your Hansen's, your Grobelar's!!" replied his elated dad. "They swept all before them didn't they father?" queried the wide-eyed boy. "They did, Worthington cup, FA cup and the prestigious UEFA cup. My God son were they remarkable." Stated his owld fella. "So the Worthington cup dad, who'd we beat", asked the youngster, "Was it Man United or Everton" "Well no son, none of those, we stuffed Birmingham City, oh how we made those blue noses suffer!" added Tommy scouser. "What was the score dad? Was it 6-0? I bet it was, wasn't it dad? I bet Michael Owen scored 6 didn't he! Did he Dad?" young Tommy quizzed excitedly. "Er no son, actually Birmingham were a great side in them days, and we fought hard to take us to penalties, and eventually we stuffed them in sudden death!" squirmed the senior scouser. "Any how son, it was the FA Cup that they all wanted, and we were up against the mighty Arsenal" added Tommy senior as he tried to sweep his son along on a tide of euphoria. "Oh Arsenal dad, they won the league and European cup that year didn't they dad, oh I rember those players from history, Grimandi and Lee Dixon, they were famous all around Islington weren't they dad. "True, true, ah well they didn't exactly win anything that year.. they were robbed by some Manchester team to the title... more importantly it was a great game son, we nearly scored once in the first half don't you know. Oh I remember it well, oh how we cheered as after 23 minutes we raided into Arsenal's half and Heskey had a header... it was a great chance that would've been less spectacular if the keeper wasn't 47 years old" stated the proud dad. "How many shots did we actually have that day father?" "Well er, urm about 3" "And how many did Arsenal have dad?" "Well about 9, but they weren't real chances, half chances at best... there's only 1 stat that counts son" added Tommy senior "Doesn't sound like much of a victory to me dad, just 2-1, sounds a bit lucky" sounded the young scouser "Well maybe but son the UEFA cup final was the big one, and we stuffed them, we scored five times" quickly added Tommy senior. "Five times wow, gee dad we must have given them a real hiding, who was it dad? Was it AC Milan or Real Madrid? Or was it Monaco dad? Who dad?" "Well son it was the Spanish giants, Alaves" stated the elder scouser. "Who?" asked wee Tommy. "Alaves son, oh they were a big team in the Basque country back then. They had some massive names." "Who had they dad was it Rivaldo, he played in Spain then, or Raul who was it dad?" "No it wasn't Raul or Rivaldo. Cruyff played for them and the Norwegian international Eggen." "wow Johan Cruyff dad?" "No son, not Johan, Jordi he was almost as good as his dad, some say better. He once scored a hat-trick for Man United against Everton you know!" "Did he dad? What was that in, the league or FA Cup? "Well actually it was the Avon's Insurance combination league son" (reserves). "Oh so what was the final score dad 5-0 I naturally assume"? "No er, urm agghh. It was 5-4 son" "5-4! They scored 4 time! Oh I get it dad, I remember once reading that 2 men were sent off in that final. So I take it Liverpool had two men sent off after 5 minutes, and had sorta evened out the contest!" "No son actually they had only 9 men son." "Dad" "WHAT" "Who scored our winner that day?" "Er, um oh it was a fella called Geli" "Sorry dad I've a Liverpool A-Z here, and there is Gallagher, Gamble, Gerrard, but no Geli?" "Well son it was an own goal" "We beat Alaves with an OG, dad we seem to be a very lucky side, how many more shots on goal did we have on them?" "Well, em, er actually they had 9 and we had 8" "Dad?" WHAT "Can I go outside and nick some space pods from the heliovertors?" "Yeah go on son". | |||
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| "Lithuania" | 717 dni temu | |
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| Naas show band attempt to break the former Eastern Block (written by, O'Meara, Syril, and McStout) To the choon of Razorlight's shite song "America" What a shitty country The shape it’s in I go get the dole Then I come home again I’m real hungry 'Cause I’ve got no money to eat Can’t afford a TV Can’t afford a radio and I can’t make ends meat All my life Poor in Lithuania All my life There's recession in Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh There's no job’s in Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh Yesterday was shit I lost my last five cent I got these cheese burgers ‘nd couldn't pay the rent I’m real hungry 'Cause I’ve got no money to eat Can’t afford a TV Can’t afford a radio and I can’t make ends meat Can’t afford a TV Can’t afford a radio and I can’t make ends meat what a shitty place to live in All my life Poor in Lithuania All my life There's recession in Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh There's no job’s in Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh I need to leave Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh Yesterday was shit my wife she die its ok I have another, but her vagine it wide sell you my sister, trust me she very good Don’t beat me up Don't break my legs I need to leave tonight To befriend me, say you'll bring beer To befriend me, say you'll bring beer To befriend me, say you'll bring beer To befriend.. All my life Poor in Lithuania All my life There's recession in Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh There's no job’s in Lithuania Oh Oh Oh, Oh Can’t pay for my meal Can’t pay for my meal Can’t pay for my meal Can’t pay for my meal | |||
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| Deco I harldly new you | 890 dni temu | |
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| A rare interview with the man himself, conducted by one of Ireland's most prestigious interviewers, Dave Fanning: Dave Fanning: Deco, is this how you envisaged your life would turn out when you were younger? Deco: pretty much ya, although i expected id have newer clothes, and when i was a young lad i dreamed about flaggins of devils bit cider, never in my wildest dreams did i imagine Tesco would launch a takeover bid of Quinnsworth.. that day remains the single most important day of my life.. it brought value, tesco value to me and the boys Dave Fanning: What would you describe as a perfect Sunday? Deco: Sunday, today you mean? Dave Fanning: no today is Tuesday Deco: right ya, well my sundays start off like any other day, i used to go to mass but i was banned after i was framed for puttin shit on the walls Dave Fanning: Framed deco? you were caught red handed,, or brown handed as it would be.. Deco; no no the guards framed me and put my hand down my arse and forced me to do it... anyway back to the perfect sunday,, it would begin with drinking all the left over pints around the streets, i like to keep the streets clean, then i just wander around akin people for change. Dave Fanning: Why did you choose to be a bum? Deco: well to be honest it chose me, ya dont just stick bum on the cao form, ya have to work very hard from an early age, gettin the taste for warm beer and perfectin your beggin skills. different bums have different techniques, some are crazy bums, some are blind or crippled im a drunkin bum whos also very annoying, i think thats why im so successful, Dave Fanning: right, ya you me 5 euro come to think of it! who has been the biggest influence on ur career as a bum? Deco: I have two, my da and PK the bud. my da set the standards for me when i was a young lad ya know. he got sacked all the time, he was on the dole, he beat me ma which was important for my development, i didnt realize it then but it would be important in the future as i set out to be just like him. PK is an inspiration to us all, he doesnt shower, doesnt change his clothes, doesnt use mixers so he saves money, hes a good lad PK is Dave Fanning: right ya, what do ya think of the new U2 album? Deco: i wouldn know too much about the competition now. I like the Boner lad Dave Fanning: yes ok. Deco do you think you've peaked or is there more to come from the dirty one? Deco; no no i think theres more from deco. im tryin to mix it around more this year, subtle things like askin for money in new locations, tryin to broadin my fan base by hangin around golf courses with biscuits and stuff like that. im hopin to get the new celtic jersey too, need to move with the times, thats why iv got the tinternet and the websites and the bebos and youtubs ta wash me self and that. Dave Fanning: intriguing Deco. why do you think people are constantly linking you with being dead?? Deco: thats actually my publicists idea. framing my death makes people fork out more change, Interview conducted by Eddie Hobbs Eddie Hobbs: Deco im here to help you with your financial problems, now im goooin to need your cooperation if this is goin to be scuccessful is that fine with you? Deco: i dont know who you are or how you know my name but ya ok Eddie Hobbs: right so Deco, according to my figures here your earning on average 20 euuuuro an hour by begging is that right? Deco: i think thats right ya but i couldnt be sure i get pissed around 2 and usually black out. Eddie Hobbs: well yes thats what appears to be the problem, your sending alot on drink, could this be reduced? Deco: no but i could try find somethin cheaper to drink i suppose Eddie Hobbs: now we're on the right track! what i propose is that you buy a bottle of white spirits a week in b&q it'll, save 15,000 euuuro a year! what does that sound like. Deco: sounds like a lot of cider to me ha ha ha ha, im only messin with ya wat ya say ur name was again? Eddie Hobbs: also it says you spend 20,000 euro a year on herpes cream why do you need this Deco: well thats very personal, off the record its for me nose, its a bit of a disgrace to be honest Eddie Hobbs: it is indeed! right if you just wear a fake nose which ya cam buy at a joke shop for about 5 euro you'd save yourself all that money aswell. Deco: never thought of that Eddie Hobbs: now according to this you spend 30,000 a year on pretendin your dead, this is hardly necessary for some1 like you Deco: its part of me image, when ya think deco ya think drink, naas, dead. without that id just be any old bum i need differentiation from my peers to survive in this gig. Eddie Hobbs: that sounds like a load of bollox to me. right lets re cap, if you follow my guidelines ull save urself 65,000 eurrro a year! thats a phenomenal amount of money! Deco: might do that ya, have ya any money on ya by any chance iv nothin at all... | |||
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| Naas's Finest | 899 dni temu | |
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| Naas's Finest J.K: Full Name: Joe Kelly Age: 20-35, looks about 16 Height: 5'6" Weight: 6st Favourite Drink: Mammy's Milk Favourite Place: Anywhere but the CBS Look: asshole, pretentious, smart, possibly gay Party Piece: Bein an arsehole Favourite Position: to the rear of one of his students Fears: Me and Aido, bein looked down upon, dictaphones Favourite song: probably somethin he wrote himself Mad Mary: Full Name: Mad Mary Age: Unknown Height: 5'6" Weight: 173st Favourite Drink: Chlorine Favourite Place: Lake View Looks: Mad Party Piece: Toddler throwing into lakes Favourite Position: restained to a bed, likes bondage possibly Best Feature: mad lookin eyes Fears: Valium, not being aloud to throw babies into the lake, end of the naas olympics: baby shot discus throw/ todler swimming! Favourite song: Crazy DORIS: Full Name: Doris Browne Age: Unknown Height: 5'6" Weight: 17st Favourite Drink: Milk of Some Young Guy Favourite Place: Naas Look: Redzer, overweight look Party Piece: bein an ugly tramp Favourite Position: Doggy style, but will settle for any Best Feature: Serious lady humps Fears: Forever being in Tracy's shadow Favourite song: 'Dont you want me baby?' DECO (CRUSTY): Full Name: Declan Age: Unknown Height: 5'4" Weight: 12st Favourite Drink: Cosmipoliton Favourite Place: Bushes (especially 1s close to girls) Look: "dirty look", a riveting look, can only be performed after very very heavy drinking, and can only be pulled off by some1 wearing Celtics famous double winning jersey of the 97/98 season! Party Piece: mumbling, being crusty, asking for money Favourite Position: Standing Up Best Feature: Nice Arse Fears: Settling down and getting a job Favourite song: Dirty Old Me Deco True Story: Deco: can I get a few euro off ya's lads? Un-named legend: No fuck you, I've been givin you money for years, in fact you give me money ya dirty scroungey cunt!! TRACY: Full Name: Tracy Browne Age: Unknown Height: 5'8" Weight: 12st Favourite Drink: Tesco Value Vodka Favourite Place: Bus Shelters Look: "bringing sexy back look", very seductive, Justin Timberlake I believe wrote a song about it. Once her blood shot dilated eyes meet with yours, its straight to the nearest public toilet for you! I cant believe she's not 1 of the "naas angels"!!! Party Piece: being sexy Favourite Position: missionary Best Feature: full set of teeth Fears: rejection Favourite song: i'm bringin sexy back P.K Full Name: Patsy Kelly Age: Unknown Height: 5'8" Weight: 19st Favourite Drink: Fat Frog Favourite Place: the canal Look: "can I have 20 johny b's, a box of matches, and a bottle of your 2nd least expensive cider look" Party Piece: line dancing Favourite Position: any Best Feature: long flowing locks Fears: showers Favourite show: celebrity love island ROBOCOP: Full Name: Mark Doran Age: Twenty Somethin Height: 5'10" Weight: 13st Favourite Drink: Guinness Favourite Place: The Dip Look: "The Power look" dont mess with me kind of look Party Piece: arresting, slapping wrists, trying to be cool, writing down peoples names and addresses Favourite Position: sitting on his bike Best Feature: immaculate hair Fears: Crime Favourite song: scrubs theme tune RENÉ (24hr Mace): Full Name: René 'Black lad in Mace' Age: 40ish maybe Height: 5'10" Weight: 12st Favourite Drink: Non Alcholic Beverages Favourite Place: The sanctity of Mace Look's: Right, cant turn left (Not an ambi-turner) Party Piece: Giving emotional advice to drunks Favourite Position: Behind the glass case of emotion which is the Mace window Best Feature: Smooth Skin Fears: Reduction in manditory minimum wage Favourite song line: "there wont be snow in Africa this Christmas time, the greatest gift they'll get this year is life.." DESSIE (Care Taker): Full Name: Desmond Connelly Age: Well into his 50's maybe 60somethin Height: 5'8" Weight: 10st Favourite Drink: Wiskey Favourite Place: Lad's school obvi Look: I bet you'd like to talk shite for an hour look Party Piece: Talkin complet shite Favourite Position: On the ground after hip damage Best Feature: Lookin well for his age Fears: Smokers in toilets Favourite song: You make me feel like dancin, i wanna dance the night away Dessie facts: how did dessie effortlessy roll those bins arond de basketball courts in a straight line? how did he always smell ya smokin in de jacks? he could tell what dealer ya got da smoke off, wat skins ya were using (usually de auld green rizla from de spar) and if ya were usin Jonnie Blue or Benson. how many tins of Jeyes fluid did he use fuckin it under de jacks Who else deserves to be up here?? | |||
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| Naas | 923 dni temu | |
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| PLACES OF INTEREST DURING YOUR STAY IN NAAS The Ball: Our answer to The Eifil Tower, The Golden Gate Bridge,... etc. All of these other attractions are good, but are any of them on a Guinness ad? Are any of them balls? No! The Naas Town Centre Penis: A feat of Architectural GENIUS! Newbridge might have The White Water.. but do they have a Knob (apart from the people living there)? Lego Land Our answer to 'The Great Pyramids'. Rumour has it this took over 100 years to build, seven hundered million pieces of lego were used in its construction, and was put together by 10,000 Polish slaves to mark the life and death of 'Emperor Cornflake the Drunk'. The Dip Our answer to the Grand Canyon, not quite as impressive but serves a useful commuity function, football pitch and knacker drinking haven. The Mexx Future buriel site of Ed Walshe, in years to come will have equal significance in terms of the attracting tourists to that of Jim Morrison's grave in Paris! The Nal Our answer to The Nile, The Mississippi and The Liffey. Squating place of rats, bums, and roudy teens. The Courthouse Our answer to The Old Bailey. Has been used in many hollywood movies, main function now is to process court cases of Newbridge criminals... as their own court house 'mysteriously' diapeared!! TIME Doesnt really deserve a mention, home of overpriced drink and stuck up women THE DAIL Sometime the Dail (short for Esmondale) has been confused with the Irish Parliament (the Dáil) this couldnt be further away from the truth! The Dail is the slum area of County Naas, similar to the Shanty Towns or Favela's in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. Its population is made up mainly of oppressed immigrants from Dublin, and is therefore an epicentre for crime, drugs, antisocial behaviour and worst... Keano! MONREAD I cant think of anythin funny to say about Monread that wont get me murdered! It has a gym... please please dont kill me!!! Coming Soon The Escalator to nowhere, the giant magnifying glass, and the monorail! If I missed any let me know! What is County Naas?? County Naas is the town of Naas and all of its little shitty satellite towns and villages, such as: Kill which serves as a storage town and dump. Scenic Sallins which is our connection with the outside world with the train station. Ballymore, where we use the people as guinea pigs, testing long term effects of alchol etc. Eadestown, we are yet to find a use for Eadestown, but over the years it has been a pool for attractive women so we're considering pillaging the gorgeous girls from there (watch out). Blessington, we are currently trying to claim Blesso off Wicklow as we want easy access to Tallaght square and drugs. Johnstown, was once the centre of the low frills night during the heyday of the soundhouse.. as far as I am aware we no longer have any use for it and have turned it into a very wide road. Punchestown is where we claim no affiliation to, 350 days of the year, we do however call it naas during the races and when oxegen is on! Carragh, has no known function. Prosperous, has no use other than to have an ironic name. Dunlavin: Home of Joe Roche... that is all There were calls to add clane to county naas, this notion was unanimously rejected | |||
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| History of Naas | 934 dni temu | |
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| The history of Naas is as unique and impressive as any of the epic tales from ancient Greece and Rome. Naas is the anglicised name for Nas na Riogh which means meeting place of kings. In mythology Naas was ruled by the totalitarian Emperor Cornflake the Great. Cornflake was a war lusting tyrant, philosopher, and immense warrior. The war of 1200 saw Cornflake stretch his empire as far as Sallins. Previous wars saw him capture Kill, Eadestown and even parts of Carragh and Prosperous. The despot encouraged rape and pillaging of these peace loving villages, the beautiful women of Eadestown were to be made Cornflakes mistresses, and the GAA heads of Sallins and Carragh slaves of the empire. Tracy was Cornflakes personal favourite mistress, a woman of stunning beauty and intelligence. Many believe ‘Madam’ Tracy was the genius behind the man, sharing Cornflakes desire for power and tyranny. Of the many battles fought during Cornflakes reign the most epic was the ‘10 year war’. Neighbouring Newbridge compiled a vast and mighty army set out to crush Cornflakes Naas Empire. 2 million Newbridge ‘Scumbags’ attacked the walls of Naas on the day that was to be forever known as ‘Newb-day’. ‘The nal’ and ‘the mexx’ were the epicentre of this momentous battle. Warriors from all corners of Newbridge united to engage in the battle of all battles. Immense is the only word that can describe the vastness of their army, equipped with the most impressive weapons Newbridge had to offer including broken glass bottles and planks with nails in them. Also they boasted some of the fiercest scumbags in Kildare, well known for their animosity in pubs from Newbridge to Sucroft! Cornflake was undisturbed by their challenge and cockily sent just 300 of Sallins’s finest warriors to crush the Newbridge assault. The insurmountable Newbridge army was wave by wave slaughtered by the Sallins stronghold. Their leader, the infamous pretentious Aido McStout laughed at the growing death count of the scum from Newbridge. ‘THIS IS THE SALLINS BOYS’ he proclaimed after wiping out yet another wave of scum. But their charismatic leader had his frailties, after crushing yet another attack; McStout felt it was time for celebrations, allowing his army to get complacent. McStout ordered his men to go on the beer and requested 300 crates of Dutch Gold to be delivered to the battle scene at once. During the session he felt it necessary to go for a leisurely swim in the canal… he was never seen again, rumour had it he was speared from behind, others say he just went lookin for smoke. Early the following morning the Newbridge boys attacked once again, now leaderless and very hungover the Sallins boys suffered the same fate as the Newbridge scumbags did in the battles previous… annihilation! Cornflake was angered the Sallins boys got pissed but was none the less pleased the Newbridge army had been severely depleted. Lego land was one of the areas captured by the Newbridge scumbags. Cornflake viewed Lego land as a key stronghold he desperately wanted to regain. Ikeano a rogue warrior from the slums of the Dale was well known as the finest most brutal solider in the empire some even believed he was invincible. Previous battles had seen the Dale become a self sufficient break away province of the empire, Cornflake desperately wanted to reunite the different blocks in order to unleash Ikeano and the Dale boys against the fierce Scumbags of Newbridge. i'll finish this next time i'm bored! | |||
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